Sadie + Ava= Fun

Fun play date with these cuties! Lunch, play, and playground! Love their sweet friendship! ❤️ Super play at the Majik Theatre 😍

Fantastic play

We had such a great time yesterday seeing this beautiful girl & her siblings in a fantastic play!! Elf jr. @ https://www.cytsanantonio.org/shows/show-details.page?show=1 Bonus seeing other sweet friend who were also in the play 💖💖 Tracy Greenwood Tucker, Heather Church HIGHLY recommend taking the time to see it, especially her fellow classmates😚😉😚!! GREAT Christian company & fabulous actors!!!

Walk Through Bethlehem

Walk Through Bethlehem. My very favorite thing we do each Christmas season. So worth the drive. Thank you Burnet First Baptist Church for putting such an amazing event on each year. Happy birthday Jesus! #MissYouE

Parents 4 the Win

❄️❄️ Snow ❄️ ❄️ No, we didn’t build a snowman! But we did have a family snowball fight in the yard for 20 minutes! So fun. ❄️ A fun family memory on a Thursday night! #kidsareoverthemoonexcited #wemightwakeuptheneighbors #memories

21 months....

Happy 21 months in Heaven sweet boy! How much fun must you be having? We had quite a full month in November with two Eating 4 Ezra events! I know you had to have seen ALL our friends and family come support, show their love, and help us spread awareness of SUDC! My heart can hardly handle the way people continue to support us and love you at the same time! 💙 We are so thankful for our tribe that has come along side us. Eternally thankful. I love you Ezra. These past few months have been hard. Not in a raw emotional kind of way. It’s been more of a press. Pressing through each day. There is not the unknown of how hard each 1st event without you might be. This year we know. And we have to do it again. 😢 This year Heaven doesn’t feel as close as our next breath as it did last year. This year is just different. And that’s ok. I have a feeling that every year will be completely different. The quest to live well on Earth while desperately missing someone in Heaven doesn’t have a play book. We are making our own. 😳 We are better people because we got to love you. ❤️ We are more compassionate because we lost you. ❤️ We have our minds on Heaven more often because of you. ❤️ These are just a few ways you have changed us. The list is way too long for this post. 😉 Love you so much E! 💙 Dance with Jesus little one...we are 21 months closer to you. #MissYouE

Happy Birthday Mom!

Happy happy birthday to my momma..aka Sugar! She is one of my most favorite people in the world. 🌏 She is a super 🌟 Sugar to all FOUR of my kiddos! ❤️ Sugar will go with me on my crazy adventures, listen to my crazy parenting stories, encourage me, and has courageously walked beside me after the loss of Ezra. ❤️ I could go on...I love you, Mom! Thank you for everything! Happy birthday! 🎈🎂Praying for many many more (earthly) birthdays! 🤷‍♀️😍

Thank you, San Antonio

San Antonio(and surrounding areas😉)...thank you for loving us SO much. Thank you for showing up SO BIG! Thank you for helping us celebrate Ezra! We fell (literally) into bed SO thankful, with hearts overflowing. A proper recap will follow soon, but I couldn’t go to sleep without expressing my gratitude to each of you! Thank you, thank you! #E4E Happy birthday Ezra! Love you SO much little boy! 💙

Happy Birthday, Ezra

Happy birthday Ezra!!! Three years ago you changed our whole world! You waited till after lightning struck the hospital generator twice to come out...after 10 pm! The nurses told me they wanted me to let you to cry...but as soon as you heard my voice you stopped crying and looked right at me. 😍. There was absolutely no way I was going to MAKE you cry. Nope. You’ve had my heart from the beginning and you have it still. After celebrating you with hundreds and hundreds yesterday, we had a fun family day today. Daddy planned for us to have some fun at a hotel to celebrate your birthday! So today we packed up and headed to chick-fil-a (your favorite), then went swimming (pools are heated but still brrrr), ate dinner at Alamo Cafe, and released balloons to you! When we got back to our hotel we ate cupcakes and sang! Oh, how we miss you! I KNOW that birthdays in Heaven must be so much better than down here! However, we have had a wonderful time celebrating the day you were born! I LOVE you son. Happy happy birthday! 🎈🎂🎁 #MissYouE **Thank you to the anonymous friend who surprised us by having cupcakes delivered to our room today! What a special, special surprise! You blessed us today! 💙💙 And they were delicious! And apparently this never happens here because the staff is shocked 🤣**

Precious Sleeper

I don’t ever want to forget how this rough and tough little boy sleeps with his “family” of stuffed animals. They each have a name and a memory of when they came into the family. He gives them pep talks, disciplines them, and gives them each special “Daddy” time with him. He is ALL boy but he will be the MOST amazing husband and daddy someday! He prays nightly for all the bad guys to turn good and have good hearts . 😍#hehasmywholeheart ❤️

Matthew West Concert

The girls and I had an amazing time at the Matthew West All In Tour tonight. Amazing. 💙 I needed that so much. 💙 Thank you Liz Cauley for having us...worshipping with family is the best! #fillmytank #touchingheaven #MissYouE

20 Months...

Hey sweet boy. Happy 20 months in Heaven little one! I am sorry that I missed writing to you yesterday and pretty much ALL of today. I’m sure you can see how rough of a couple of days it has been. We will blame it on Texas weather yo-yoing. Daddy thinks I stressed myself into it. It is most likely a mix of both. 🤷‍♀️😜 The truth is October was a hard month for me. One of the hardest months I have had in an year. I miss you. I think I finally figured out one of the reasons it was so hard. I am weary. Weary of walking through events without you. Weary of watching your siblings struggle with anger and fear. Weary of time marching by when I am not ready for it. Weary of searching for ways to parent an child in Heaven. (It’s ridiculous, I know) I started writing down all the words of Jesus recently (don’t be impressed, I am not very far into the process) 🙄 The very first thing recorded of Jesus speaking in Matthew is in Chapter 3. He is telling John that John must baptize him. Vs 15 in the NLT says, “It must be done, because we must do everything that is right.” And whoa did this speak to me. In the midst of planning our 2nd Eating 4 Ezra, I had lost my joy. I want so desperately for it to be a rousing success! Because, in my mind, this is one thing I CAN still do for you. It is something tangible I can wrap my love for you into. Planning an event is not really in my wheelhouse, but it is the right thing to do. The right thing to do for you and your buddies up in Heaven. The right thing to do is to raise awareness. The right thing to do is to help fund research. The right thing to do is to communicate with 1st responders on how to treat traumatized parents walking through an nightmare. The right thing to do is to help other people walking this road find the SUDC Foundation and the support it offers. The right thing to do is hard and uncomfortable. The right thing to do takes everything I have most days. You my beautiful boy are so worth it. You and your throng of radiant friends in Heaven are worth the effort and the exhaustion. I will not grow weary of doing good….at least not for long….because good will happen if I do not give up. I miss you so much son. So much. I long to feel your hands on the side of my face. I long to sing to you before bed. I long to look into those blue eyes. Dance with Jesus little one. I might have stumbled through October, but I am still one month closer to you! #MissYouE 💙💙 Friends, if you could just look at these faces in this super short video. 😍 They are stunning. It takes my breath away to look at this banner. 💔 Did you know that SUDC is the 5th leading cause of death in children 1-4 years of age? No, you didn’t . No one knows that. But we are working hard to change that. Thanks for helping us. We are truly surrounded by the best humans on the planet and we know it. 🌏💙🌎💙

19 Months....

Happy happy 19 months in Heaven sweet boy!! Oh, how we miss you! As I sit in the same room where we told your siblings you were in heaven, I reflect on all the memories we had with you in this room. In this very room, I found out that I was pregnant with you. (Told your Daddy and Sugar there too). In this very room, I sat with a Lactation consultant on Christmas Morning while being sick as a dog. You saw your first real snow in this room. Many messes were made and lots of towers were knocked over in this room. Sitting alone in this room, I am thankful that it is an easier first of the month than it was last year. My longing for you hasn’t decreased at all,but the raw, piercing-ness of the pain has. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish you would cup your sweet hands around my face, give me a hug, and a huge, open mouth, drooling kiss! I love you forever my sweet boy. One month closer to you. #MissYouE 💙💙 Recent Grief snapshots with the kids…. This is the hardest part, the tricky part. Dealing with your own emotions and being available to help sort out your kids emotions. 🙃 It breaks my heart that my oldest has started putting this caveat on conversations. Hen asked about what she wants to do in the future Hannah says, “I want to have kids that do not die. “ Bless. Me too love, me too💔 So often Israel says this or an variation of this. Israel “Why does my best friend have to live in heaven? When can I go?” Or “If Ezra was here, we would be playing transformers(or fill in the blank)”💔 Sadie ….there was something said about her being the only one to have her own room, she came to me bawling, “Mom, I never asked to have my own room. I didn’t even want it. But the brother that shared my room DIED! It’s not my fault” Bucket of tears. Bless her heart. And now she has started to do this nightly ritual that she follows. She has an specific order to her “ I love you, see you tomorrow” statements at night. If you don’t answer fast enough or to her liking she repeats and repeats. (Think Rainman-ish) I know she is just working through some fear, but it breaks my heart. 💔 Izzy came to an store without shoes one day. It was only the first of several errands we had, so I went ahead and bought him some flip flops. While we were picking some out he noticed the same pair of flipflops that our friends little guy had. (The friends little guy was born within 7 days of E) He then would not be talked out of those flip flops. 💙 He wanted to match. And I just know that is one of his ways of coping ...just like following two year olds around is. And I also know that he would have LOVED matching with E! ❤️ Our nephew, Brooks, just passed E in age recently. Last month he was 16 months at my Mom’s house. He was in all the same rooms. Doing all the same actions of kids who don’t speak yet! Eating the same foods. 🥚 🍌 Playing with the same toys. Crazy triggers. Crazy emotional for me. But Praise the Lord we made it through. 🙌 He will be an different age the next time, and I am hopeful for less triggers. I love him so. 💙 We are planning our 💙2nd Eating 4 Ezra 💙and we pray that you will join us! All the proceeds from the Eating and the shirts will go straight to the SUDC foundation. (To help support new families walking this path, to find research, and to spread awareness) We are so thankful we found the SUDC foundation early so we never felt completely alone in our nightmare. ❤️ We love you all and SO look forward to seeing you!!!

18 Months..

18 months in Heaven. 1 year, 6 months 549 days 78 weeks and 3 days 13,179 hours 790,560 minutes 47,433,600 seconds Happy happy day Ezra! 💙 Somehow I blinked and it was the first again. We made it through another month, but I don’t know how. 😳 I am praying that my brain power comes back….and my memory. Seriously. Not sure exactly what happens in trauma but goodness it is intense. 😔 We are planning Eating 4 Ezra year two! 😍 Exciting. Spreading awareness of 💙SUDC💙 (and YOU) and raising funding for research that is SO needed! I know all you kids are having a blast in Heaven, but we want to find a cure for this type of death. 💔 Soon. Summer is over and we are back in the grind. I think this is when it hits home again. Homeschooling goes so much smoother without you! 😔 I know it sounds cruel, but it is the truth. It makes me cry when we get through with school early, because that means there were no interruptions by you. 😭😭 We all talk about it. We long to have our “private time”....which just means each person gets a few minutes to keep you from destroying a certain area of the house! We learned to love MORE and be LESS selfish when you arrived in our lives.. We learned how much a heart could break when you left. 💔💔 And now we ache with anticipation of what is to come. I couldn’t love you anymore if I tried. I couldn’t miss you anymore...it’s just not possible. Your life is still teaching us. And where you are is pulling us toward you….one day at a time. Dance with Jesus little one. We are 549 days closer than we were! #MissYouE Things have been a bit crazy down here, and my heart is heavy with the tragedies around me. But i also see SO MUCH beauty in tragedy. So much Love. ❤️ So much good. (I know, I am weird). Some days the heaviness in my heart physically weighs me down. Sometimes I do a very poor job of “casting my cares”. Sometimes I try to walk this road on my own. Force my way...barely going anywhere. Then I remember, I cannot do this alone. I am not wired that way. I have to give the heaviness to the only one who can hold it. I have to plant my feet (again) firmly on His promises. I have to remind myself of the truth, because the heart lies and my mind is wildly imaginative. 🙃 I finished reading a book today that was amazing. (Yay for finishing….completion is worthy of celebration 🥇) The only book that touches grief that I have finished. 👏 The only one that rings true. It is eerie when you read a book and find your bizarre,crazy thoughts written there. 😱 I mean really eerie. But in someway it is a slight bit comforting that you are not the only human on the planet who has had wild thoughts and wilder conversations after a tragedy. In addition to “demented” thoughts, I also have developed some processes that work for me. They are opposite of how you think you would deal with tragedy. And whoa...when someone else has reached the same conclusion that lives in Montana...it gives you confidence?? Maybe assurance?? 🤣 This book is so good I will read it again, I plan on asking Jake to read it, and letting the girls read it. Though our story is different, we both walked out of a hospital with one less child on this planet. 💔 Completely unexpected. I would recommend this book to everyone. Everyone. Anyone who walks this planet will have trouble and will need to be reminded of the truth. To be anchored again. ⚓️ Thank you Levi Lusko for sharing your Leyna with the world. I just know her and Ezra are friends! 😀🦁😀 Some favorite quotes from the book: “Our faith works in the fire, not just when life is fun.” Yes it does. Actually...better. “But I do know that today wasn’t as hard to get though as day two was. At some point along the way, I learned to not resist happiness or feel guilty when I felt good. Though it feels like a betrayal, being able to enjoy life doesn't mean you don't miss the person who is gone.” Amen. Day 2 was probably the hardest day of my entire life. 💔Today is much better than day 2, AND I do laugh everyday. That is something to celebrate. 🎉 “Living with your heart set on heaven but your feet still on Earth is not easy” -Can I get a huge amen here? My kids struggle with this too. Talking longingly about Heaven and wondering why they have to do their Math/Latin/Geography/Grammar lessons. What does it matter Mom? I won’t need to add fractions in Heaven, or speak Latin. 😳 “When I am surrounded by a throng of God’s people and we all lift high the name of Jesus, the worship experience is like tony Stark’s glowing arc reactor: the pressure inside my chest is alleviated and the sharp barb gets temporarily pulled from my heart. These are also the moments when I feel nearest to heaven, much more than when I stand at Leyna’s grave. With my eyes closed, my hands raised and the music swirling around me, I get glimpses of God’s glory that transcend all else. In those fleeting moments, I feel locked into the frequency of Jesus, and everything else just fades to gray.” 🎶 THIS is EXACTLY me. I feel like I can touch Heaven. I feel like it is possible that in these moments Ezra and I are doing the exact same thing. And I may turn into a concert junky….touching Heaven is addicting. 🎶 “People often tell me, “I don’t know how you've managed to survive. I don’t think I could do it if I were you. “ When I hear that kind of thing, the response in my head is often, I don’t think I can make it though this, either! But what choice have I had? No one gave me an option. I didn't sign up for this.” -THIS. So much this. In most trauma you were not given a choice. Just breathe and take one step forward. Repeat. ❤️

17 Things in 17 Months

I've been trying to write this post for several months. Like 6 months. 🤦‍♀️ Every time in the past, I would get stuck in my memories. This time, the things I wanted to say just came tumbling out. Just a disclaimer.. all of these things are things *I* have learned or relearned since Ezra went to Heaven. I am not saying these things are true for everyone. 💙 17 Things I have Learned in 17 Months: 1. I need to say his name. I need to talk about him. Ezra is my baby whether I see him right now or not. Ignoring this need just hurts me. I DO realize this sounds crazy. 😂 I wouldn’t have believed it either. Talking about him might make me cry, but not talking about him breaks my heart. Tears win. 😉 2. When walking through a tragedy or any “big thing” I learned that I spend so much of my energy and effort working through it, that i have very little tolerance when little things go wrong. Very little. So my reactions to a freezer not working or a car problem were let’s just say….not appropriate. 😳😳 3. If you are having a good emotional day, your kids will not be. Maybe they see that you are stable and they can talk to you about it? Or maybe it is just one of those things...it happens often enough. 🙃🙃 4. A grieving person’s brain is NOT like a normal brain. We might look like we are normal, but the brain is going 1,000 different directions. For example...while we were at a pool recently and I was watching the kids. My thoughts immediately flew to “what would it be like if Ezra was here?” “What would he like/dislike?” Or “Last time we were here E was…” all while having a conversation. I will also find kids around that are around the age Ezra would be AND the age he was when he died and watch all their behaviors. It happens unconsciously and so far has been impossible to stop . It is everywhere, all the time. 😔😔 5. Anxiety is INTENSE. It is immobilizing. I forced myself through every single uncomfortable situation I could to get it over with as soon as I could. I remember the feelings of complete terror, dread, the shaking, and the feelings of passing out. The rock in the stomach. The nausea. It felt like my entire body was screaming. The first time we went to our small group without Ezra, I literally had to remind myself to breathe. But I forced myself through the anxiety. Through the terror. I refused to let it rule over me and my family. And once you go through the 1st time somewhere, the second time is not near as bad. Victory. ❤️ 6. No one has the same grief. No one. No one has the the same triggers. No one has the same memories. No one has the reaction. Sheesh. That clears it right up! There needs to be a TON of grace here. 7. We are the *shocker* family. 😳We are the people who make you uncomfortable. I never aimed to be this way. Ever. Honestly, we were kind of forced here. But we shock every new person we meet. We will always talk about Ezra. We talk about death. We talk about dead people as if they are in the other room. It is reality to us. 🙃🙃 8. Death is uncomfortable for people.. If I could think of a stronger word than uncomfortable, I would switch it out in a heartbeat. Good news...death is NOT contagious. We, the Smiths, are the reminders of what could happen. It’s scary. It’s not controllable. Some people can’t deal with this. I get it. (this might have even been me before Ezra died.) 9. Every single human will have hard times in life. Everyone. As Americans we shy away, but really that is when we should press in. Circle the wagons. Be the village. I didn’t realize this before, but generally we have difficulty with grief. We don’t like things to be uncomfortable, awkward or difficult. Even though we know that the BEST things in life come after a struggle, we still steer clear of those situations if we can. I will do better. Each one of you are worth it. 💎 10. Make every effort to be present at the big events in the the lives of those you love. It is THAT important. We had gotten lax with this. We got wrapped up in our own circus that lived at our house. It is easy to do. But life is not about just us. Life is to be shared with others. And as a side note….try to remember important dates...like plug birthdays, anniversaries,Heaven days, baptism days etc into your phone calendar. It takes so little time to let your love ones know you are thinking about them! ❤️👍❤️ 11. Take photos and videos. 🎥 You don’t have to print them or even share them on Facebook. 😜 Just take them. Seeing photos of Ezra helps me. It reminds me that I am not crazy. He was here. A very important part of our lives. AND pictures also preserve memories that might be forgotten otherwise. Some of my favorite pictures are a little blurry...but they remind me of the speed of a toddler 😂 12. I can get through big events….but afterwards (the days after), I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Emotionally, I have no energy at all. Zip. Zilch. The amount of energy it takes to do normal life is staggering sometimes. The amount of energy big events take=everything I have. (hopefully that changes) 13. Practical lesson….Do not start a text with “I know you must be having a terrible day..” this might be totally true, but if the person is having an ok day up to that point...now they feel guilty or just have a flashback/memory that will send them in a different emotional direction. Instead try something like…”I’m thinking about you. How are you doing today?” Give the grieving person the opportunity to share if they want to. 😀 14. Don’t say, “Call me if you need anything!” I know that your heart is gold here but honestly we will not call. We will not even remember that you said that down the road when we need something. 😳 That is the truth. Instead, it was SUPER helpful when someone would text and say, “I am bringing dinner. Does Tuesday or Wednesday work best?” (All I had to do is respond with a day and a thank you. Not a lot of thinking and or planning) OR “Can I come pick up the kids on Wednesday for the afternoon?” (That is yes or no. Easy peasy.) OR “I’m on your side of town, can I bring you a drink? Or pick something up from the grocery store for you?” (yes or no...perfect) Hopefully this helps. It helps me to know what is best. It is also good for after someone has a baby! ❤️😀 15. Not everyone will walk the road with you. Truthfully, not everyone can. People you thought would be there are not. And some others just step right in the muck with you unexpectedly. 😍 Those who walk through the crap with you, they have a special place in your heart forever. 💙💙 16. My foundation is solid. It is firm. No matter how much came crashing down on it, it held. So all the reading, praying, praising, learning, stretching, and growing you are doing is not in vain. His word is true. He is near to the brokenhearted. (so near) 💔 Joy comes in the morning. 🌈 In this world you will have trouble. (John 16;33) He has overcome the world. ✝️ I don’t have ALL the answers. I don’t even have most of the answers, but I know who I put my hope in. 17. When the flashbacks, dark thoughts, fears, anxiety come, I turn on the praise music as loud as possible. 🎶🎶 Like really loud. So loud that I can not even think… Ha! Turn my eyes back to the truth I know. Restart. ✝️💙 Bonus: We are so incredibly thankful for all of you. The way you have come beside us and supported us has been phenomenal. We will never ever ever forget it. Thank you. ❤️💙❤️💙#MissYouE.

17 Months...

Happy happy 17 months in Heaven Ezra! Sweet boy we miss you so much. We talk about you every single day. We think about you every single day. You are never out of our minds. If it is possible for us to miss you more now than we did at the beginning, it is happening. There is a reminder of you every place I look, everywhere we go. You are so much a part of us..we just can't see you right now. Love you SO much my sweet boy! We are one month closer to seeing you again. ❤️❤️❤️ Friends, I have a post rolling around in my mind, in my heart to share. But to be perfectly honest, I am just exhausted. I haven't had the time or the energy to sit down and get it out. So maybe tomorrow. For now I just want to look at some pictures of my baby because we miss him so much. Enjoy!

16 Months...

Hey sweet boy! 💙 Happy 16 months in Heaven. I know I say this every month, but I can hardly believe it has been SIXTEEN months since I held you. 16 months since I sang to you. 16 months since I changed your diaper. 16 months since I searched the entire house for a pacifier. 16 months since I daily searched the trash to see what treasures you had stashed in there. 16 months since I heard your laugh and your squeal. 16 months since our family was whole. 16 months since my heart was whole. Which is a very wordy way to say...you are SO SO missed and SO SO loved. ❤️💙❤️💙 I just want you to know little one...you got the better end of this bargain. 😜 You only knew love. You only knew adoration. You only knew safety. And then you went straight to Heaven. HEAVEN. You never knew uncertainty. You never knew loss. You never knew heartbreak. You never knew bullying. Or debt. Or evil. And I am happy about that for you! But....selfishly...... I miss you for me. 💔💔 Love you so so much, Mom **This morning I had an hour and a half drive alone. (Moms...seriously... isn't this amazing??!!). I decided to get ahead of my emotions for the day. I put the praise music on as loud as I wanted and reminded myself of THE truth. I just wanted to share the song that resonated so deeply with me: ⚓️ "Anchor” ⚓️ by Hillsong I have this hope As an anchor for my soul Through every storm I will hold to You With endless love All my fear is swept away In everything I will trust in You There is hope in the promise of the cross You gave everything to save the world You love And this hope is an anchor for my soul Our God will stand Unshakeable Unchanging One You who was and is to come Your promise sure You will not let go Your Name is higher Your Name is greater All my hope is in You Your word unfailing Your promise unshaken All my hope is in You **Thank you LORD for your word and for your promises. They are UNFAILING and UNSHAKEN and my HOPE is fully in YOU. ❤️⚓️

15 Months

Here it is..the first of the month again. Happy 15 months in Heaven little man! It is unfathomable that you have been gone from my arms this long! Daddy and I have been talking the last couple weeks about this. We miss you so much. It’s hard to explain how we miss you the most. Sometimes we remember that you are gone. Sometimes it seems like you are just out on an adventure with a grandparent and will be back soon. Because surely these memories, more like nightmares, are someone else’s life. Surely MY son did not die. But you did. You are in Heaven and we are stuck here. Izzy has started asking me if we can go back in time just to play and see you again….sheesh. I wish it was that simple. I also wish they gave day passes to Heaven. The desire I have to hold you is crazy intense. Realizing how long it will be till I get to do so is staggering. So just know Ezra, you are LOVED more than you could ever know. Your life down here is still making a difference. We are better “humans” (as Israel likes to say) because we had the chance to love you. Knowing the end, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Love you so much E Friends..to be honest this month has been completly exhausting. I don’t know if I can accurately discribe how much so. Every day is a mental battle. I have a choice to get up and live or not. But it is just not one little decision. Thoughts bombard me from all sides. If we,as a family, go do someting fun, I am happy. While we are having fun, I think of how E might have enjoyed this adventure. I think of things I think he would like. I think of things he would dislike. I think of how easy it is to get out of the house with older kids. I think of how that would be different if he was still with us. I think of how much the girls miss each having a brother to pair up with. I think of how much Israel misses his brother. When the hostess asks us how many, I think 6...but say 5. I watch Izzy find every little boy around the age of 2 and engage with them…..everywhere. I think about what our circus would look like right now. You wouldn’t know it by just looking at us, but we aren’t completely whole. One of us resides in Heaven. That sounds good, but it is hard to walk out sometimes. Sometimes, I am just tired. There are so many things I am thankful for. When the bone weary tired hits, I turn to music. Some of my very favorite lyrics speak straight to me: “Tearing through the night Riding on the storm Staring down the fight My eyes found Yours Shining like the sun Striding through my fear The Prince of peace met me there You heard my prayer” THIS is the only reason we are still living. Jesus strides right through my fear, and gives me peace. And if that wasn’t enough….which it is…. “Your love surrounds me when my thoughts wage war When night screams terror, there Your voice will roar Come death or shadow, God I know Your light will meet me there When fear comes knocking, there You'll be my guard When day breeds trouble, there You'll hold my heart Come storm or battle, God I know Your peace will meet me there” Prince of Peace by Hillsong I don’t know the back story to this song. I know I could look it up, but in my mind it is written for me. Every single part. All of it. About a week after E died I started saying “thank you God that you are holding our hearts while we heal” in our prayers. Every night I said it. It just bubbled out from somewhere deep inside. This song startled me when it used the exact phrase “hold my heart”. (Kim Walker Smith uses the same phrase also in “Rise” on her new FABULOUS album….but that is for another time) I actually had to turn the song off because I was driving and my tears were coming.hard and fast. He meets me right where I am. He holds my heart as I heal. And He surrounds me when my thoughts wage war. He alone gives me the peace I need to keep on and even to live victorious. So thank you Hillsong...for writing a song for me. It settles something deep inside me, and leads my mind back to the truth. Thank you Lord that you are faithful. #MissYouE Edit

14 Months

Hey sweet boy. Happy 14 months in Heaven! We are one more month closer to seeing you. Sheesh...I miss you so much. The gaping hole in our family is more painful this year for some reason. I am guessing that the sheer fortitude and energy we spent getting through all the “1st without you” (birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, vacation, first time to go to our favorite places,etc) temporarily blinded us. Last year we focused on each day. Getting through each new first without you. Spending SO much time helping your siblings process. We lived in the moment, in the what do we need to deal with next. This year...it is different. This year the reality of being without you for the rest of our lives is setting in. Not just one year...but every year you will be missing down here. Every holiday. Every birthday. Every vacation. Every single night I long to hold you. You are SO loved. You are SO missed. This month I write to you from a hotel room in New York. We came to the first ever SUDC Conference. Last night I met face to face with the SUDC foundation staff that have walked beside us the past 14 months. The faces behind the emails and the calls, that skillfully navigated us through the darkest and most confusing nights. (Forever thankful) Last night I met face to face other Mommas that walk the same road I do. It is both amazing and devastating to be in a room like this. Knowing that EVERYONE around you has lost their precious child is overwhelming. BUT it is also wonderful to meet those who have encouraged you from afar. My heart is strengthened watching others, a little farther down the road, live bravely and make a difference in the world. So, Ezra, I met some incredible people last night, and I will meet some more today. I met the families of all your Heaven friends. ❤️ Oh the fun you must be having together! Love you forever. #MissYouE — with Ella Bebow Shelton.

13 Months...

Apr 01, 2017 8:50pm 'I miss you so much Ezra! I know you MUST know HOW incredibly LOVED you are! How we miss you each and every day. All day long. It does not compute in my mind that you could actually have been gone for 13 months. 13 months. I wonder what you are doing all the time. I wonder about all the little details that only moms think about. Who are you with? What are your favorite things right now? What foods do you love? Since Heaven probably doesn't have diapers...how exactly does that work? Do you even have to go potty in Heaven? So many questions...that are just all different ways to say I miss you. I miss everything. Every time I see your sweet cousin Abigail, I think of you. I see her talk, sing, dance, play, and ALL I can think of is that is what you would be doing. And you would just be the best of friends. <3 There are lots of sweet cousins that were born last year around this time. They are all right at a year old. When I see them, I see YOU. They are in the “I am now mobile and I can/will get into anything in less than 5 seconds stage!” This is the stage your were in when you left us. It's so hard to watch them growing and doing the last things I remember you doing. Wish you were here with them wreaking havoc! ❤️ I miss you E. The missing you will never ever stop. I know that. Love you so so much! We made it through the first month of the second year. I wish I could say it was easier. I really feel like we just trudged through it. Like on each and every step I picked my foot up just high enough to clear the quicksand that was waiting to suck us in. I honestly thought that this past month would be WAY easier. It just wasn’t. I am still hopeful that this month has been a fluke and lighter days are coming, but not too hopeful. We are not dealing with the shock, despair and raw wounds from last April. Grief seems to have taken on a different form lately. Now it is a heaviness. It is a reality. I was so proud that of us for making it through the first year . All the incredibly awkward conversations “Where's the baby?” “How many kids do you have?” ✅ All the firsts without him ✅ 7,898 of the hardest, most gut wrenching conversations I've ever had with my kiddos AND with everyone else. ✅ All the tears. ✅ But now my mind goes different directions…. Yes, we have one year down. But how many more do we have to go? 40 more years? Oh my goodness...I cannot even fathom. Doing what we did this past year 40 more times? How? Some days, I used every single ounce of energy I had to get through the day. Not just some days...most days. I feel like I have been living in perpetual exhaustion. Mind AND body...sometimes even down to my soul. Spent and empty. This verse runs through my mind often (as an acapella song I learned 25 years ago) “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."” ‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-24‬ ‭ I am thankful He loves me when I am empty. He is faithful. When I am shaky, He is not. And when all I can do is crawl into bed bone-weary at the end of the day… He’s got me there too. His mercies are new EVERY morning. Amen. #MissYouE' I miss you so much Ezra! I know you MUST know HOW incredibly LOVED you are! How we miss you each and every day. All day long. It does not compute in my mind that you could actually have been gone for 13 months. 13 months. I wonder what you are doing all the time. I wonder about all the little details that only moms think about. Who are you with? What are your favorite things right now? What foods do you love? Since Heaven probably doesn't have diapers...how exactly does that work? Do you even have to go potty in Heaven? So many questions...that are just all different ways to say I miss you. I miss everything. Every time I see your sweet cousin Abigail, I think of you. I see her talk, sing, dance, play, and ALL I can think of is that is what you would be doing. And you would just be the best of friends. <3 There are lots of sweet cousins that were born last year around this time. They are all right at a year old. When I see them, I see YOU. They are in the “I am now mobile and I can/will get into anything in less than 5 seconds stage!” This is the stage your were in when you left us. It's so hard to watch them growing and doing the last things I remember you doing. Wish you were here with them wreaking havoc! ❤️ I miss you E. The missing you will never ever stop. I know that. Love you so so much! We made it through the first month of the second year. I wish I could say it was easier. I really feel like we just trudged through it. Like on each and every step I picked my foot up just high enough to clear the quicksand that was waiting to suck us in. I honestly thought that this past month would be WAY easier. It just wasn’t. I am still hopeful that this month has been a fluke and lighter days are coming, but not too hopeful. We are not dealing with the shock, despair and raw wounds from last April. Grief seems to have taken on a different form lately. Now it is a heaviness. It is a reality. I was so proud that of us for making it through the first year . All the incredibly awkward conversations “Where's the baby?” “How many kids do you have?” ✅ All the firsts without him ✅ 7,898 of the hardest, most gut wrenching conversations I've ever had with my kiddos AND with everyone else. ✅ All the tears. ✅ But now my mind goes different directions…. Yes, we have one year down. But how many more do we have to go? 40 more years? Oh my goodness...I cannot even fathom. Doing what we did this past year 40 more times? How? Some days, I used every single ounce of energy I had to get through the day. Not just some days...most days. I feel like I have been living in perpetual exhaustion. Mind AND body...sometimes even down to my soul. Spent and empty. This verse runs through my mind often (as an acapella song I learned 25 years ago) “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."” ‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-24‬ ‭ I am thankful He loves me when I am empty. He is faithful. When I am shaky, He is not. And when all I can do is crawl into bed bone-weary at the end of the day… He’s got me there too. His mercies are new EVERY morning. Amen. #MissYouE

12 Months ... Year One

Hey son. Sweet E-baby. Happy Heaven day sweet boy! How in the world has it been 365 days since I have held you in my arms? A year. Currently i am sitting in the same chair that I was sitting in when your Dad and I told your siblings that you were no longer alive here on Earth. It wasn’t pretty. In fact it was oh so terrible. No one prepares for that. There is not a manual. Last March 1st began as a normal day...a day that was running WAY smoother than usual. I actually remember thinking, “This day is going perfectly” as we prepared to wake you and go out to eat. Needless to say I didn’t eat that day. My “perfect” day turned into a nightmare you only hear about. Going in to wake you from your nap is where normal ended. The call to 911 . The CPR. The faces of your siblings. When they FINALLY let me see you, you looked so perfect. Just like you were sleeping. I tried to memorize every single thing about you. I rubbed your feet. I stared at your sweet little toes. I held your hand. I rubbed your chubby little fingers. Trying to etch into my mind every detail. You looked so so small on that big table. I fixed your hair. I rubbed your cheeks. I kissed your forehead. I soaked you in as much as I knew how. Surrounded by friends, family and policemen...I only had eyes for you. How was it possible that I was going to walking out of that hospital without you? People were throwing around words like timeline, video, interviews, autopsy, and investigation while I am just trying to figure out if I had enough physical strength to walk out of the hospital. But, here we are. We are still standing. I have to tell you little man...you are getting the BETTER end of this deal. WAY BETTER. We miss you so much. There is an enormous hole in our lives where you were. There is so much healing that we are working through. Meanwhile, you are dancing with Jesus. You are eating, playing, exploring, worshipping, laughing, entertaining, and I hope still waddling : ) I pray you are proud of us. We are doing the extremely hard work of healing and living. The work of choosing to live & love, not just survive. We will have pain if we just try to survive OR if we choose to live. It’s the same amount of pain. So if we have to have pain, we choose to live. And sometimes we have to choose to live again and again. You are so worth it. We love you, E. This week we have been celebrating your 1 year in Heaven, with 1 week of Kindness. (I would rather be throwing you an elaborate birthday party, but I am working with what I’ve got : )) Can you see? I sure hope so. So many people volunteered to help us celebrate. Acts of kindness are being performed all over. People are being blessed. The best part about it is that kindness is contagious. You never know how one act of kindness can reach a person. I pray that this little Kindness week blesses thousands of people. We are ONE YEAR closer to you. We are better people because you were here. We love more. We forgive quicker. We let way more things go…(because some things are just not important) We dream of Heaven. We are less attached to this world. We feel other’s pain and we are willing to walk through it with them. Thank you sweet boy, for teaching us such big lessons in 15 months! I love you Ezra. Thank you friends for your steadfast friendship. We are beyond thankful. The most heartbreaking thing about being one year in this process is the realization that it is only ONE year. That all the work you did to get through this first year, you will have to do it again and again and again. Year after year….until it is your time to go. That thought alone is slightly overwhelming. It makes me want to lay down and sleep for a week or three. We are relying heavily on the fact that “His grace is sufficient in our weakness.” We are relying heavily on the promise that “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” And when the days are so dark…. “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion say my soul Therefore I will trust in Him. “ <3 ♥♥

Random Acts of Kindness for Ezra 2017

WE FINALLY FIGURED OUT what we want to do to celebrate Ezra's 1 year in Heaven. Will you please join us?? Please read below and help us celebrate!
In honor of Ezra being in Heaven 1 Year, we are celebrating with 1 week of Kindness.
We will be doing acts of kindness for the whole week. February 26th- March 4th. With special emphasis on March 1st of course!
How can you help? Please do an act of kindness (or many) in honor of Ezra during this week! They can be simple or complex...whatever you want to do! When you do your act of kindness, please give them one of the “Ezra Cards” So Easy! My dream is that together we do hundreds of acts of kindness that week! The world needs some kindness! What better way to honor someone...than to bless someone else in their name!

One of the reasons we settled on Acts of Kindness is because we wanted to be able to involve our kiddos! So, please, involve the kids! They will often lead the way with their tender hearts!
Please text Michelle or write on Michelle’s FB wall or the Eating4Ezra FB page with pictures or just with what you did. I am so excited to see how we can bring joy to others, and celebrate Ezra at the same time : )
If you want Ezra Cards, please comment below...I can deliver You some, mail you some, or just send you the file to print for yourself.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SUPPORTING US, WALKING WITH US, AND LOVING US!

Happy happy 11 months in Heaven Ezra!

Happy happy 11 months in Heaven Ezra!  You have been in Heaven for  337 days.  337.  Wow. Does it feel like just a blink to you too?  What are you doing?  Who are you with today?  What are you eating?  What are your favorite things?  Do you have a favorite color?  What does your voice sound like?  Do you still waddle or do you sprint from one thing to another?  Do you talk nonstop like I think you would?  What is your favorite song? What are your talents? Do your grandparents/great grandparents/cousins read books to you?  Do you have one particular favorite food or is it still pretty much all food is your favorite?  Do you and Grandpere look like twins….my guess is yes, but I long to see you two together! A million questions fly through my brain.   No answers. 11 months ago I knew the answers to ALL of these questions.  All of them.  I so wish I could see you or even just spy on you for an hour or two.  Just to see you.  Take in every single detail.  Breathe you in.  When I think about how long I have till I see you again….that’s when it is completely overwhelming.  How am I supposed to make it that long without seeing your sweet face? How have we even made it 337 days without you?  Grace.  Only grace.  Today your sisters and I were doing a devotional and the message was not a mistake.

“The future is like a huge mountain looming in front of you.  It’s peaks are spiked with troubles, and its sides are pitted with problems.  How can you face something so huge?

The real trouble is not the mountain-it’s that your’e looking ONLY at the mountain.  And because you aren’t looking at where you're going right now, you stumble on the easy path of today.

I know how much that future mountain worries you.  But it may not even be part of our path.  You don’t know what will happen today, much less tomorrow.  I may suddenly turn you away from the mountain, or show you an easier path.  But I promise that IF I ask you to climb that mountain, I will give you everything you need to reach the top.  My angels will protect you.  And I will be right by your side every step of the way. “  Jesus Calling Kids  February 1st

One step at a time.  Doing only what is asked of me this day is how I will make it.  Not looking at th 50-60 years in front of me without you.  Thinking of eternity with you..yes.  

Matthew 6:34 So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Amen.  Living in the here and now.  Standing on His promises.  Covered in prayers of friends and family.  Hoping in the Lord and renewing our strength (Isaiah 40:31)  Digging deeper in the Word.  Walking by Faith, not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7)  This is how we will live.  How we will continue to walk till we see you again.

I love you so much my sweet boy!  There is NO other place (besides my arms) I would want you to be than in Heaven with Jesus.  Have so much fun little one.  Explore all the places you can.  Learn your favorite things.  Be taught by the wise, strong, faithful that are there.  Because WHEN I get there….I will want to know EVERYTHING you have learned.  I will want to go ALL the places.  Eat all the special food you love.  Dance your favorite dances.  See your favorite animals.  And 30 zillion kisses and hugs are coming at you.  You’ve been warned!  I love you Ezra. #MissYouE

Jesus, all the words of thankfulness I have will never even be a drop in the bucket of how thankful I am for Heaven.  I spend time trying to imagine how you did what you did for me.  How you walked blameless.  How you knew how terrible it would be AND did it anyway.  How deep your love runs for me.   Thank you for Heaven Jesus.  Thank you for forgiveness.  With all that I am, for as long as I live, I will praise you.  When it hurts, I will praise you.  When times are good, I will praise you.  When life goes upside down, I will praise you.  And forever and ever, I will praise you.  You are worthy.

Grief Snapshots: ( I only know what grief & healing looks like in this house at 11 months.)

Healing doesn’t look the same from day to day.  When you see us out and about...most times you would never know that we are incomplete.  We look normal (well..you know..as close as we can).   You can’t see heartache on the outside.  Sometimes we are faking.  Sometimes things are good.  Sometimes we are just doing what needs to be done.  Sometimes we cry a lot.  Sometimes we don’t.  Cleared things right up didn’t it?

Healing looks like a full on physical body shut down when your MIL calls telling you your son will need stitches. (He was out of town with her)

Healing  looks like midnight crying visits from your 9 year old daughter who desperately misses her roommate.  Who misses her buddy.   

Healing looks like your five year old looking your straight in the eye and asking, “Ok Mommy, when is Ezra going to actually come back?”  Ugh.

Healing looks like waking each of your children up only one time each night (on purpose) to make sure they are still breathing…..instead of the 399 times you want to.  Trusting.

Healing looks like high strung emotions by multiple family members, OR I don’t care about anything today.

Healing is exhausting.  I don’t know how to explain how completely exhausted we are after a “normal day”.  It is a hard work, but worthy of all the energy.

Happy New Year! 10 Months away

Happy New Year Ezra!!  We miss you sweet boy. I was just looking back at pictures from last Christmas. My mind imagines what you would have been like this year at all the family celebrations.  You left a gaping hole down here.  Though I miss you more than I ever thought possible, I know you are in good hands.  You reached the goal so much sooner than expected. Today, my son, we are 10 months closer to seeing you again.  You better get ready, because the kisses, hugs, snuggles, and attention we have be unable to give you this past year…..will come out!  Think tidal wave : )   My precious one, we adore you still.  We talk of you every day.  You are not forgotten and you are SOOO loved.  Enjoy 2017 in Heaven baby boy! #MissYouE

Well, we did it.  We finished the year of 2016. We made it through ALL the family gatherings, all the opening of presents, family photos, and triggers.  We walked through all the things.  We are on the other side of the holidays.  Easy...no.  Completed...YES.  The past two months have been like a sprint.  We have had….2 Eating 4 Ezra events in two separate towns, Ezra’s 2nd birthday, Thanksgiving, and then 4 family Christmases.  Whew.  That is 8 firsts in 60 days. That is not an easy road.  That is a HARD road.  They are behind us now.   

Emotionally exhausted in ways I do not know how to describe.  Empty down to the core.  “Dig deep” is a phrase we practice every day.  So we will take a little time and refuel.  Recharge for the next thing.  (Psalm 23:3)

 I had mixed feelings saying goodbye to 2016….ecstatic and MORE Ecstatic!   Seriously...this year has been a doozy.  Not just for the Smiths.

In 2016 we...

*Ezra unexpectedly went to Heaven

*Planned a funeral for our baby

*Picked out a plot for Ezra

*Read my 1st and (PLEASE GOD) last autopsy report for a child.

*Walked and sometimes trudged through the valley of death.

BUT also in 2016

*our friends said goodbye to their babies without even getting to hold them.

*our friend said goodbye to  her Daddy way too young.

*our friend said goodbye to  her Momma.

*our friend said goodbye to  her nephew unexpectedly.

*our friend said goodbye to  his wife.

*our friend were forced to say goodbye to the toddler they were adopting.

*our friend was diagnosed with cancer

*our friend said goodbye to her daughter who had cancer.

*So many more hardships that landed so close to us this year.

SO 2016...Good-bye...Don’t let it hit you on the way out.

In 2017 I pledge to..

Love more intentionally.

Dig deep into the Word.

Extend more grace.

Pray more.

Use my words to encourage and build up.

Continue to do the hard and uncomfortable things.

Hold tight to the things most important to me.

Let go of the things that are not important.

Stand on all the promises God has for me.

2017...never in my life have I been more ready for a new year!  I am ready for a year of abundant life. Bring it on.