Tuesday, April 12, 2016

1.5 Months

Six weeks my boy. I miss your smell. I miss drool. I miss your “talking” that was more like yelling. I miss holding you. I miss the way your eyes smiled. Basically, I miss everything. Every. Single. Thing. My hands feel so empty and there is so much time that I am not needed. I have resorted to putting my hands in my pockets, because I literally do not know what to do with them. Sometimes it seems like I imaged the last two years of my life. Like they have been erased. Like they were not even real. Thankful to have thousands of pictures to tell the truth. Love you forever and ever E.

So thankful for Jesus. So thankful for Heaven. So thankful I will see you again. #missyouE

Friday, April 1, 2016

One month.....One Lifetime

I have no idea how it has been one month, but the calendar does not lie. The mind plays tricks on me, thinking you are going to wake up from your nap any minute. The silence is deafening. I am not sure how someone so little can leave such a gigantic void in our family. You, my boy, are sorely missed and greatly loved. The sucky reality is that life is easier without you. It is NOT better...so NOT better...but it is easier. Today we went to visit your grave and we all just walked out of the house. We didn’t change a diaper. We didn’t fill a diaper bag. We didn’t make sure we had pacifiers. We didn’t bring toys. We didn’t bring a change a clothes. We didn’t calculate when we would leave based on naps. We didn’t calculate when we would leave based on meals. We just walked out of the door. That feels wrong..so so wrong. But I am also thankful..

I am thankful we made it through the bleeding when I was pregnant and you were born perfectly healthy.
I am thankful that after mastitis, I was able to nurse you.
I am thankful that I took the time to pump six times a day for 11 months.
I am thankful that a few months ago you started demanding that I hold you and sing to you before bed each night.
I am thankful that I did that.
I am thankful that you freely gave kisses, drool, and “gave hugs” to your family.
I am thankful that you embraced chaos and activity and seemed kinda “bored” when the big kids were on an outing.
I am thankful for all the ways you changed our family.
I am thankful that you adored me...and I you. (Daddy even more but he’s not writing this)
I am thankful that I rocked and sang to you before your last nap.
I am thankful for 467 days of loving you.
I am thankful for Jesus, for His promises, and for a way to see you again.
I am thankful for these knots in my stomach every time I have to do something new without you. It reminds me of how much I love you. How very much.
I am thankful for technology that I can pull up a video/picture of you any moment, of any day.
I am thankful for friends, family, and strangers who pray for us so that we can breathe, one breath at a time.
#1monthinheaven #missyouE