Happy happy 11 months in Heaven Ezra! You have been in Heaven for 337 days. 337. Wow. Does it feel like just a blink to you too? What are you doing? Who are you with today? What are you eating? What are your favorite things? Do you have a favorite color? What does your voice sound like? Do you still waddle or do you sprint from one thing to another? Do you talk nonstop like I think you would? What is your favorite song? What are your talents? Do your grandparents/great grandparents/cousins read books to you? Do you have one particular favorite food or is it still pretty much all food is your favorite? Do you and Grandpere look like twins….my guess is yes, but I long to see you two together! A million questions fly through my brain. No answers. 11 months ago I knew the answers to ALL of these questions. All of them. I so wish I could see you or even just spy on you for an hour or two. Just to see you. Take in every single detail. Breathe you in. When I think about how long I have till I see you again….that’s when it is completely overwhelming. How am I supposed to make it that long without seeing your sweet face? How have we even made it 337 days without you? Grace. Only grace. Today your sisters and I were doing a devotional and the message was not a mistake.
“The future is like a huge mountain looming in front of you. It’s peaks are spiked with troubles, and its sides are pitted with problems. How can you face something so huge?
The real trouble is not the mountain-it’s that your’e looking ONLY at the mountain. And because you aren’t looking at where you're going right now, you stumble on the easy path of today.
I know how much that future mountain worries you. But it may not even be part of our path. You don’t know what will happen today, much less tomorrow. I may suddenly turn you away from the mountain, or show you an easier path. But I promise that IF I ask you to climb that mountain, I will give you everything you need to reach the top. My angels will protect you. And I will be right by your side every step of the way. “ Jesus Calling Kids February 1st
One step at a time. Doing only what is asked of me this day is how I will make it. Not looking at th 50-60 years in front of me without you. Thinking of eternity with you..yes.
Matthew 6:34 So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
Amen. Living in the here and now. Standing on His promises. Covered in prayers of friends and family. Hoping in the Lord and renewing our strength (Isaiah 40:31) Digging deeper in the Word. Walking by Faith, not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7) This is how we will live. How we will continue to walk till we see you again.
I love you so much my sweet boy! There is NO other place (besides my arms) I would want you to be than in Heaven with Jesus. Have so much fun little one. Explore all the places you can. Learn your favorite things. Be taught by the wise, strong, faithful that are there. Because WHEN I get there….I will want to know EVERYTHING you have learned. I will want to go ALL the places. Eat all the special food you love. Dance your favorite dances. See your favorite animals. And 30 zillion kisses and hugs are coming at you. You’ve been warned! I love you Ezra. #MissYouE
Jesus, all the words of thankfulness I have will never even be a drop in the bucket of how thankful I am for Heaven. I spend time trying to imagine how you did what you did for me. How you walked blameless. How you knew how terrible it would be AND did it anyway. How deep your love runs for me. Thank you for Heaven Jesus. Thank you for forgiveness. With all that I am, for as long as I live, I will praise you. When it hurts, I will praise you. When times are good, I will praise you. When life goes upside down, I will praise you. And forever and ever, I will praise you. You are worthy.
Grief Snapshots: ( I only know what grief & healing looks like in this house at 11 months.)
Healing doesn’t look the same from day to day. When you see us out and about...most times you would never know that we are incomplete. We look normal (well..you know..as close as we can). You can’t see heartache on the outside. Sometimes we are faking. Sometimes things are good. Sometimes we are just doing what needs to be done. Sometimes we cry a lot. Sometimes we don’t. Cleared things right up didn’t it?
Healing looks like a full on physical body shut down when your MIL calls telling you your son will need stitches. (He was out of town with her)
Healing looks like midnight crying visits from your 9 year old daughter who desperately misses her roommate. Who misses her buddy.
Healing looks like your five year old looking your straight in the eye and asking, “Ok Mommy, when is Ezra going to actually come back?” Ugh.
Healing looks like waking each of your children up only one time each night (on purpose) to make sure they are still breathing…..instead of the 399 times you want to. Trusting.
Healing looks like high strung emotions by multiple family members, OR I don’t care about anything today.
Healing is exhausting. I don’t know how to explain how completely exhausted we are after a “normal day”. It is a hard work, but worthy of all the energy.