19 Months....

Happy happy 19 months in Heaven sweet boy!! Oh, how we miss you! As I sit in the same room where we told your siblings you were in heaven, I reflect on all the memories we had with you in this room. In this very room, I found out that I was pregnant with you. (Told your Daddy and Sugar there too). In this very room, I sat with a Lactation consultant on Christmas Morning while being sick as a dog. You saw your first real snow in this room. Many messes were made and lots of towers were knocked over in this room. Sitting alone in this room, I am thankful that it is an easier first of the month than it was last year. My longing for you hasn’t decreased at all,but the raw, piercing-ness of the pain has. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish you would cup your sweet hands around my face, give me a hug, and a huge, open mouth, drooling kiss! I love you forever my sweet boy. One month closer to you. #MissYouE 💙💙 Recent Grief snapshots with the kids…. This is the hardest part, the tricky part. Dealing with your own emotions and being available to help sort out your kids emotions. 🙃 It breaks my heart that my oldest has started putting this caveat on conversations. Hen asked about what she wants to do in the future Hannah says, “I want to have kids that do not die. “ Bless. Me too love, me too💔 So often Israel says this or an variation of this. Israel “Why does my best friend have to live in heaven? When can I go?” Or “If Ezra was here, we would be playing transformers(or fill in the blank)”💔 Sadie ….there was something said about her being the only one to have her own room, she came to me bawling, “Mom, I never asked to have my own room. I didn’t even want it. But the brother that shared my room DIED! It’s not my fault” Bucket of tears. Bless her heart. And now she has started to do this nightly ritual that she follows. She has an specific order to her “ I love you, see you tomorrow” statements at night. If you don’t answer fast enough or to her liking she repeats and repeats. (Think Rainman-ish) I know she is just working through some fear, but it breaks my heart. 💔 Izzy came to an store without shoes one day. It was only the first of several errands we had, so I went ahead and bought him some flip flops. While we were picking some out he noticed the same pair of flipflops that our friends little guy had. (The friends little guy was born within 7 days of E) He then would not be talked out of those flip flops. 💙 He wanted to match. And I just know that is one of his ways of coping ...just like following two year olds around is. And I also know that he would have LOVED matching with E! ❤️ Our nephew, Brooks, just passed E in age recently. Last month he was 16 months at my Mom’s house. He was in all the same rooms. Doing all the same actions of kids who don’t speak yet! Eating the same foods. 🥚 🍌 Playing with the same toys. Crazy triggers. Crazy emotional for me. But Praise the Lord we made it through. 🙌 He will be an different age the next time, and I am hopeful for less triggers. I love him so. 💙 We are planning our 💙2nd Eating 4 Ezra 💙and we pray that you will join us! All the proceeds from the Eating and the shirts will go straight to the SUDC foundation. (To help support new families walking this path, to find research, and to spread awareness) We are so thankful we found the SUDC foundation early so we never felt completely alone in our nightmare. ❤️ We love you all and SO look forward to seeing you!!!