Monday, August 1, 2016

Fifth First

Ezra boy. We miss you so much. Five months ago you left us. Five months. You have already been gone a third of the time you were here on Earth. A third. I have no idea how that is possible. It seems you were the wild card in the family. You are the one that moved us into a bigger vehicle (we fit in a sedan now...sadly). You were the one that was not yet talking and just kind of grunted and pointed when you expressed yourself (making an interesting game of charades for the rest of us). You are the one we had to close all the doors in the house for (so you wouldn't bathe in the toilet water or empty your drawers in 5 seconds). You are the one that we swept daily for (so you wouldn't eat food off the ground). You were so central to our world.. All of our worlds . We each had such a sweet, special, relationship with you. Now we each have a unique hole, unique memories, and a unique way of grieving you. I miss you baby boy more than I could ever put into words. Some days the longing for you is so so deep. You forever changed us E. We love deeper because of you. We think eternally because of you. Our hurt is great, but that is because we love you so much. I am ok with that. I love you baby boy. Miss you like crazy.
Thank you friends for loving us. For being willing to have awkward conversations, deep conversations, or just letting us talk about Ezra. We thank God for you every time we think of you. I wanted to let you read a writing from Jake. It is so amazing…. It needs to be shared. It is a hope filled message written right after E died. 

From life to Life to LIFE

Wednesday, July 27, 2016


HEB is a place I frequent. San Antonio is HEB mecca. We live ½ a mile away from our HEB. Not only do I know where everything is located, my kids do too. It had been over 2 weeks since I had been to HEB w/our Colorado trip and mandatory ‘eat the food we have in the fridge’ beforehand. I walked in pretty much on auto pilot. Headed for the paper plates...priorities. It wasn’t until I got to the egg/milk/juice/yogurt area that I really honed in to the fact that things were significantly different. I didn’t think that much of it because all the same foods were in the general area they were before. Just a tiny bit of backtracking and an extra lap around that area and I was on my way. Still in my own little world, I headed to the produce area. Besides moving where the apples were...again..everything was great. So I headed down the first aisle (to be candid we had only bottled water and condiments in our refrigerator) and stopped in the middle. Just stopped. Instead of finding ketchup, I found bread. Bread. Bread belongs in the middle of the store. I really did stand there and look around trying to recalibrate my brain. What I was seeing and what I knew to be true were NOT lining up. That was just the beginning of the confusion. Aisle after aisle I stopped in the middle and just looked around looking for “my” things. Things that have been in that spot for over 9 nine years…. gone. I ended up walking down EVERY aisle(some multiple times) so I didn’t miss key ingredients to the meal. I was so flustered. The trip took me triple the time it usually does. Walking through HEB that day was confusing. Walking through HEB that day was unsettling. It was no longer was labored..and burdensome...heavy and almost frustrating. How similar the reconfiguration of our HEB is to our current life. Don’t get me wrong, rearranging is great. We had a forced redesign. We had a tragedy. Things that we KNEW to be true look different. The Smith’s are still the same “HEB”. We still have the same “ingredients” in our lives (minus E baby) But, everything is different. Things that were given a center aisle are not anymore. Some things that were in the back corner of our store, are now in a prominent display. Some items that were center stage for us are brought even closer to the front.
I can no longer make a list in the order of the store and dart in, shop and go. I no longer know where everything is. This so relates to our life right now. EVERYTHING was shaken up. EVERYTHING. You really have to reevaluate every single thing. And there are not a lot of clear answers….or really any answers at all. I don’t claim to know it all, but I have come to these three things I know are truth.
1. God Loves me.
2. Jesus died (and rose) for me. 
3. God is good.
I can count on these three things when nothing else is clear. And somehow that is enough right now. 
I guess number 4 would be that Heaven is real and my baby boy is there right now!
So I know 4 things. Not much. But enough for now. ‪#‎MissyouE‬
Lyrics to Steady….a song that has become a theme song of sorts for me right now.
You’re my true north when I’m headed south
My constant solid ground
You are my lantern in the night
When I’m twisted up and shaken
You’re the one I put my faith in
Yeah, you’re the reason I survive
You keep me steady when the sky is falling
And I’ll keep steady after You
I’ll carry on when my strength is failing
Take heart ‘cause You’re with me
So let the stars drop, whatever comes
I’ll be ready, You keep me steady
You keep me steady
You’re a river, You cover me
When the bombs fall, You’re the cavalry
Somehow You’re always standing right by my side
So no matter what I will be facing
I will not be overtaken
And You are the only reason why
You’re my hiding place, my home
And fear cannot invade these four walls
I need You near, I need You here

Thursday, June 2, 2016

3 months. 92 days. ¼ of a year

3 months. 92 days. ¼ of a year...25% of a year we have been living without you here. I really don’t have an idea how that is possible. I don’t know how we continue on but for the grace of God. I asked your siblings what they missed most about you...Hannah said your smile! Sadie said your noise and chasing you. Israel said playing baseball with you. Narrowing down what I miss is almost impossible. I miss everything. Even the things I didn’t enjoy when you were here, I now yearn to do. Holding you and singing to/with you wins out as what I miss the most, and what I long for the most. Yesterday we went to Sea World for the first time since you died. Everywhere we walked was a memory of the last time we went with you. You were so content to ride along in your stroller and just be in the middle of everything (and food of course. Always food!). The memories were coming fast and hard. I think God knew what we could handle. He opened the heavens. As the rain poured down, we made new memories. We darted through the rain...laughing and darting to shelter. We discussed whether or not you would have enjoyed the rain. (the consensus was YES! You would have loved it!) We didn’t even get to go to the kiddie rides because they were shut down...and that’s ok. We did things that were new. For that I am thankful. Your face on the carousel in February I don’t want to forget. Sheer joy. Joy is what you brought to us. Though a lot of times it was circus-like at our home, we LOVED it. We miss it. We miss you. We all do. Light up Heaven little one! ‪#‎MissyouE‬
My sweet friend reminded me the other day that no matter how things look now. Romans 8:28 is still true. “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” So it doesn’t look anything close to good right now, but we continue to be faithful and trust that on the other side it will be real good. Thank you friend for speaking life.

Random Nuggets: (if you are still reading this you are either a glutton for punishment or amazing. The jury is still out.)
1. I miss being blissfully unaware of a thing called SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood - SUDC Foundation). The thought that every other day the same thing happens to another family breaks my heart. Praying for a cure, a cause, something. So that no one else loses their healthy babies!
2. Four year olds say all the things, all the time, in public. It might just be a casual “my brother died” or he might correct some unsuspecting stranger “that he was a big brother but his baby died” or that the “fastest way to get to heaven is to take a nap” This is how it is. So know that if you choose to spend time with us. 
3. Waterproof eyeliner and waterproof mascara are your best friend. (probably will be for years.)
4. Sharing stories, memories, pictures or just letting us know you are thinking of Ezra WILL make us cry, but we will LOVE YOU MORE for it.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Exciting news from the Smith Bunch!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Israel is 2!

I've been wanting to get back to posting....Maybe this one will help!

Warning!!  This post is a jumbled mess.  It is not in any type of order at all but I'm totally cool with that.  Really just wanted to get down some of my favorite things about Izzy.  I am sure I forgot many...but it's a start!!

(This is the face you get when you say cheese!  Hilarious and not exactly what I was looking for!)

I am starting this August 7th in hopes that I will complete this post by his actual birthday September 8th! :) (that did not happen!  It is Sept 11th now!)

(He calls sunglasses "eyes" :)  Here he has on Daddy's eyes!)

(Kids on the train and Six Flags and Izzy before his summer hair cut :))

Israel is such a blessing to our family!  He definitely has raised the boy factor in our house.  He instinctively wrestles, tackles, shoots things, jumps, climbs,throws, sprints, pounds, and hits things randomly just to see how that goes!  You have to be aware of him at all times....and I mean ALL times :)

("Pture Mommy?? Pture Mommy??"  Here's the pose I get! :) )

(Walking in to get his hair cut...the lady looked at me like I was crazy when I told her I wanted it short!  We live in Texas people and it is HOT!)

(Looking at the "ish" at Bass Pro....boy loves his animals too!)

Things I want to remember:

(Boys...they play hard and they sleep hard too!  I love that he goes STRAIGHT to sleep for naptime and bedtime.  Because he is ready to play the MINUTE he wakes up!)

He also asks us this random question daily...have NO idea where he got it from!  "Mommy you going to row da boat?"  and I say "No"  Then he asks Sadie, Hannah, Daddy, Izzy.....and we all say no.  He laughs everytime :) 

He tells us when he is "poopy and peepee"  though they sound alot alike :) 

He thinks being stinky is hilarious!  "I'm stinky Mommy" Izzy stinky hahahaha!

He finds ways around obstacles....finds alternate solutions!  He's a go getter....especially about climbing and getting what he wants!

(Saying cheese in his hat :) ) 

He ADORES hats!  I mean seriously.  The first thing to go on in the morning and the last thing to go off at night.  Never met a small child with hat hair before...only Izzy!

(A hat and an IPad....Izzy found where it was charging and made a way for himself and the IPad :)  See..he's clever! )

He gives the best hugs...wraps his arms around your neck and squeezes!  So special.  And most of the time a dry kiss!

He had 16 teeth at 16 months.  Has all 20 now :)

Special night time diapers are a must for this boy. I am so thankful not to have to change his sheets EVERY morning after he has peed out of his diaper anymore!

He talks in complete sentences. He says things over and over and over till you either A. acknowledge and respond or B. translate,guess, laugh or whatever it takes to get him on another train of thought!  We affectionately call him Rainman :)

"I got this Mommy!"

Izzy help Izzy help! (especially when unloading the van.  He always wants to help. :) )

I wove you Mommy

If you say, "I love you Izzy"  he will respond with " I love you too!!!" He screams it to you! :)

When he wants to get someone's attention he will pretend to whistle and say "Come" over and over!

(Izzy and Mamere...they are tight!)

He calls everyone by name (Mommy, Daddy, Hannah (hammah), Sadie, Grandmere (mamere), Liz (diz), Kiley (KiKi), Bailey (bobo), Kason, Bekah, Daniel, Papa, Sugar (suuger) )

(On the Houston Zoo Train...have I mentioned his love for all things transportation??  Geez!  I love this boy! )

He is really good about saying "Please, Mommy"  and "Thank you Mommy"  the boy learned fast what behaviors are rewarded around these parts :)

Little man loves all things transportation....ALL of them! I feel like the number of transportation vehicles in our house increases daily, but I love that he plays with all of them...and I mean All of them! I am really appreciating the differences between him and the girls!  There are so many differences and I am so thankful God wove him together exactly as he did!

(I mean seriously!  How cute is that?? )

Israel calls any figurine that is a male (superhero, Hulk, Army men, transformer...) Daddy!  It is sooo cute and funny to listen to him.   On his birthday he was walking around with one of the figurines saying "Happy Day Daddy!  Happy day!" (Since we had been telling him happy birthday all day....he just shortened it :) )

This Spring he had a bout with hand, foot and mouth is disgusting for the Mommy!  So much whole shirt wet must change shirt multiple times a day.  One day he discovered that he could spit puddles of spit on the floor.  He did it, looked at it and started cracking up! Definitely a boy.  Mommy is thrilled that once the drool subsided so did the puddles of spit!

 (Just a boy throwing some rocks....all day everyday.)

 Some of Izzy's favorite things:

Hat, shoes, pouches, outside,books, dirt, cars, trucks, choo-choos, airpanes (airplanes), apples, bananas, WATERMELON, milk (almond), balls,books, balls, cleaned of couches (minus all pillows  he will gladly throw them to the floor for you), Daddy, Sadie, Hammah, his paci, baths, puppy, puzzles, froggy, Mommy's pone (phone), & singing songs.


(Hahaha! Something is really funny!)

 (3rd times a charm!!  Such a handsome little man!)

(3 kids looking & smiling..sorta....almost a miracle!)

 (1st day of home school for this school year in our new PJ's!  Comfort is important here!)

(I have no idea what the boy is doing here :)  )

 (sporting some "eyes" at the pool)

(Izzy's 2!!  He has trouble holding up 2 fingers but he can surely say "Izzy 2"over and over!)

(Happy birthday Little Man!)

(All things transportation PJ's! ) 

(The after camping, spent way too much time in the swimming pool sunburn!)

 (Go Cardinals!  All the kids got a hat!  Izzy was excited about his "bird" on his hat!)

We love you soo much Israel!  Happy 2nd birthday! (just a tad late)