18 Months..

18 months in Heaven. 1 year, 6 months 549 days 78 weeks and 3 days 13,179 hours 790,560 minutes 47,433,600 seconds Happy happy day Ezra! 💙 Somehow I blinked and it was the first again. We made it through another month, but I don’t know how. 😳 I am praying that my brain power comes back….and my memory. Seriously. Not sure exactly what happens in trauma but goodness it is intense. 😔 We are planning Eating 4 Ezra year two! 😍 Exciting. Spreading awareness of 💙SUDC💙 (and YOU) and raising funding for research that is SO needed! I know all you kids are having a blast in Heaven, but we want to find a cure for this type of death. 💔 Soon. Summer is over and we are back in the grind. I think this is when it hits home again. Homeschooling goes so much smoother without you! 😔 I know it sounds cruel, but it is the truth. It makes me cry when we get through with school early, because that means there were no interruptions by you. 😭😭 We all talk about it. We long to have our “private time”....which just means each person gets a few minutes to keep you from destroying a certain area of the house! We learned to love MORE and be LESS selfish when you arrived in our lives.. We learned how much a heart could break when you left. 💔💔 And now we ache with anticipation of what is to come. I couldn’t love you anymore if I tried. I couldn’t miss you anymore...it’s just not possible. Your life is still teaching us. And where you are is pulling us toward you….one day at a time. Dance with Jesus little one. We are 549 days closer than we were! #MissYouE Things have been a bit crazy down here, and my heart is heavy with the tragedies around me. But i also see SO MUCH beauty in tragedy. So much Love. ❤️ So much good. (I know, I am weird). Some days the heaviness in my heart physically weighs me down. Sometimes I do a very poor job of “casting my cares”. Sometimes I try to walk this road on my own. Force my way...barely going anywhere. Then I remember, I cannot do this alone. I am not wired that way. I have to give the heaviness to the only one who can hold it. I have to plant my feet (again) firmly on His promises. I have to remind myself of the truth, because the heart lies and my mind is wildly imaginative. 🙃 I finished reading a book today that was amazing. (Yay for finishing….completion is worthy of celebration 🥇) The only book that touches grief that I have finished. 👏 The only one that rings true. It is eerie when you read a book and find your bizarre,crazy thoughts written there. 😱 I mean really eerie. But in someway it is a slight bit comforting that you are not the only human on the planet who has had wild thoughts and wilder conversations after a tragedy. In addition to “demented” thoughts, I also have developed some processes that work for me. They are opposite of how you think you would deal with tragedy. And whoa...when someone else has reached the same conclusion that lives in Montana...it gives you confidence?? Maybe assurance?? 🤣 This book is so good I will read it again, I plan on asking Jake to read it, and letting the girls read it. Though our story is different, we both walked out of a hospital with one less child on this planet. 💔 Completely unexpected. I would recommend this book to everyone. Everyone. Anyone who walks this planet will have trouble and will need to be reminded of the truth. To be anchored again. ⚓️ Thank you Levi Lusko for sharing your Leyna with the world. I just know her and Ezra are friends! 😀🦁😀 Some favorite quotes from the book: “Our faith works in the fire, not just when life is fun.” Yes it does. Actually...better. “But I do know that today wasn’t as hard to get though as day two was. At some point along the way, I learned to not resist happiness or feel guilty when I felt good. Though it feels like a betrayal, being able to enjoy life doesn't mean you don't miss the person who is gone.” Amen. Day 2 was probably the hardest day of my entire life. 💔Today is much better than day 2, AND I do laugh everyday. That is something to celebrate. 🎉 “Living with your heart set on heaven but your feet still on Earth is not easy” -Can I get a huge amen here? My kids struggle with this too. Talking longingly about Heaven and wondering why they have to do their Math/Latin/Geography/Grammar lessons. What does it matter Mom? I won’t need to add fractions in Heaven, or speak Latin. 😳 “When I am surrounded by a throng of God’s people and we all lift high the name of Jesus, the worship experience is like tony Stark’s glowing arc reactor: the pressure inside my chest is alleviated and the sharp barb gets temporarily pulled from my heart. These are also the moments when I feel nearest to heaven, much more than when I stand at Leyna’s grave. With my eyes closed, my hands raised and the music swirling around me, I get glimpses of God’s glory that transcend all else. In those fleeting moments, I feel locked into the frequency of Jesus, and everything else just fades to gray.” 🎶 THIS is EXACTLY me. I feel like I can touch Heaven. I feel like it is possible that in these moments Ezra and I are doing the exact same thing. And I may turn into a concert junky….touching Heaven is addicting. 🎶 “People often tell me, “I don’t know how you've managed to survive. I don’t think I could do it if I were you. “ When I hear that kind of thing, the response in my head is often, I don’t think I can make it though this, either! But what choice have I had? No one gave me an option. I didn't sign up for this.” -THIS. So much this. In most trauma you were not given a choice. Just breathe and take one step forward. Repeat. ❤️