September 1st. Here it is again..the first of the month. It is no longer thoughts of payday...now it is a marker. The time without Ezra marker.
It is unfathomable to me that you, my sweet Ezra, have lived in Heaven for 6 months. It is equally unfathomable, that we have lived 6 months without you in our home. 6 months. I miss you so much I can hardly breathe sometimes. I am not sure how it is even possible to miss you more now than I did in March...but it is true. We packed a whole bunch of activity/travel into this summer. We traveled, we laughed, we played, we explored, we stayed out late, we stayed up late, and we flew by the seat of our pants. We made memories. But every single day, at every single activity, we missed you. You were missing. I thought about you at every turn. “E would have loved this!” “We wouldn’t have even attempted this with E” “What would Ezra be doing here?” “How would it be different with Ezra here?” “Are you sure I don’t need a stroller, a diaper bag, tons of snacks, toys, cups, and paci’s for this 2 hour activity?”
All that to say we miss you so. We all do. I know that you are lighting up Heaven. I have never in my life been so thankful for Heaven. For Jesus. For the cross. For the stone rolled away. For forever. For the peace I have knowing where you are right now. I think of you there, E,having a blast. Learning, growing, exploring, worshiping… and it fills me with joy...painful joy (is that even a thing?) I LOVE where you are. That is always the goal. My mama heart just wants to be holding you, caring for you, chasing you, feeding you, teaching you, learning from you, helping you, hugging you, kissing you. THIS is a mama’s job. It is a mama’s joy.
This path we’ve walked since March 1st is unnatural. It is unwanted. It is rugged, windy, slippery, and unknown. It is not my choice. But, it is now my job. It is our road to walk now. To live without you here. To love you but not see you. To heal. We love you so much Ezra. We talk of you, about you, and to you all the time. Miss all of you. Every. Single. Part. (even poopy diapers but in all honesty Izzy does not miss that part! He told me a few days ago!) #MissyouE
Last week our 11 year old got out of bed, walked into the living room, and with tears running down her face looked at me and spoke these words. “Mom, of all the people in the whole world, why us?” Tears leaked down my face...because no one should cry alone :) Oh, how I understand what she is saying….where she is coming from. I get it. Totally. But what sprung to my lips was this:
“I don’t know. I don’t know why us. But, why not us? Jesus said that in this world we WILL have trouble. This is what it looks like for us. This is trouble. There are SO many types of trouble.
I have a friend who is fighting cancer. Trouble.
I have a friend whose husband walked out on her and her littles for another woman. Trouble.
I have friends that are looking for work, and don’t have enough money. Trouble.
I have a friend who is watching their best friend slip closer to Heaven and further from them. Trouble.
I have a friend that has lost multiple babies in her womb and longs to hold them. Trouble.
I have a friend whose family has been ripped apart by tragedy. Trouble.
I have a friend that struggles daily with depression. Trouble
I have a friend…..this list could go on and on. These troubles are not our trouble. So, sweet girl. All I know is this is ours to walk through. Everyone has something. Everyone. But Jesus has overcome the world. And as we “walk through our trouble”, we keep our eyes on the One who overcame it all.” (John 16:33)
It is a great reminder. We are all walking through something. Everyone. So we will show love, kindness,forgiveness...repeat. Walk alongside one another in the midst of trouble. Lift one another up in prayer. And press into the ONE who has overcome the world!