Two months you have been gone.

E baby. Two months you have been gone. TWO MONTHS. We can no longer trick ourselves into believing you are on a trip and will be back soon. You are on a trip but 60 years is a LONG time to wait to hug your neck. Really, really long. Pretty much everything and everyone reminds me of you. Friday I found one of your socks in the laundry. Really? We have emptied the laundry SO many times in the last few months and still your laundry is still coming. You were pretty central to how our family functioned (and you always did have the MOST laundry) Your needs were put first. That’s just what you do with a baby. You changed all of us forever. You taught Izzy to share and what it looks like to look out for someone. You taught Sadie how to be a little Mama (she so adored ALL the things baby) You taught Hannah to be selfless and increased responsibility (hard lessons but will serve her well forever). You taught Daddy & I how much our heart could expand and love more. And how to juggle...lots of juggling. You taught me how to persevere. How staying the course and not quitting are so important. So now we have to use all of these lessons going forward. Oh how we wish it was with you.
By now I’m sure you have seen YaiYa and been kissed by her (let’s be honest...she’s probably kissed you a million times already) Get used to it buddy. :) At her funeral yesterday, all I could think of was you. We sang an old song “This World Is Not My Home” and this is where I am. Ready to see your face...so hope you are still waddle-running when I get there...it’s my favorite! You are my “treasure”...Miss you SO much E. Love you most.

This world is not my home I'm just passing through
my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore

Not that you care Ezra, but we received the final autopsy findings this week. You are really a “unexplained death”. You really did go to sleep in your nap and wake up to Jesus. While there aren’t really any questions answered here, it is good to know. Dance with Jesus baby..we miss you.

1.5 Months

Six weeks my boy. I miss your smell. I miss drool. I miss your “talking” that was more like yelling. I miss holding you. I miss the way your eyes smiled. Basically, I miss everything. Every. Single. Thing. My hands feel so empty and there is so much time that I am not needed. I have resorted to putting my hands in my pockets, because I literally do not know what to do with them. Sometimes it seems like I imaged the last two years of my life. Like they have been erased. Like they were not even real. Thankful to have thousands of pictures to tell the truth. Love you forever and ever E.

So thankful for Jesus. So thankful for Heaven. So thankful I will see you again. #missyouE

One month.....One Lifetime

I have no idea how it has been one month, but the calendar does not lie. The mind plays tricks on me, thinking you are going to wake up from your nap any minute. The silence is deafening. I am not sure how someone so little can leave such a gigantic void in our family. You, my boy, are sorely missed and greatly loved. The sucky reality is that life is easier without you. It is NOT better...so NOT better...but it is easier. Today we went to visit your grave and we all just walked out of the house. We didn’t change a diaper. We didn’t fill a diaper bag. We didn’t make sure we had pacifiers. We didn’t bring toys. We didn’t bring a change a clothes. We didn’t calculate when we would leave based on naps. We didn’t calculate when we would leave based on meals. We just walked out of the door. That feels wrong..so so wrong. But I am also thankful..

I am thankful we made it through the bleeding when I was pregnant and you were born perfectly healthy.
I am thankful that after mastitis, I was able to nurse you.
I am thankful that I took the time to pump six times a day for 11 months.
I am thankful that a few months ago you started demanding that I hold you and sing to you before bed each night.
I am thankful that I did that.
I am thankful that you freely gave kisses, drool, and “gave hugs” to your family.
I am thankful that you embraced chaos and activity and seemed kinda “bored” when the big kids were on an outing.
I am thankful for all the ways you changed our family.
I am thankful that you adored me...and I you. (Daddy even more but he’s not writing this)
I am thankful that I rocked and sang to you before your last nap.
I am thankful for 467 days of loving you.
I am thankful for Jesus, for His promises, and for a way to see you again.
I am thankful for these knots in my stomach every time I have to do something new without you. It reminds me of how much I love you. How very much.
I am thankful for technology that I can pull up a video/picture of you any moment, of any day.
I am thankful for friends, family, and strangers who pray for us so that we can breathe, one breath at a time.
#1monthinheaven #missyouE

Two Weeks....

Tuesday. Two o'clock. Two weeks. How is this even possible? Our family is not the same without you. How could it be? We are missing a piece. Each day we realize again what a big piece you are. It seems like forever and a blink at the same time. Our house has all the signs of a baby….toys ,clothes, pacis, diapers, wipes, highchair, crib....just no baby. No noise, no joyfilled eyes, no demands for food, no poopy diapers, no praise baby video on repeat (by demand), no drool, no giggles, no hugs. We love you so much E. Each day we take a new step without you.. Wish it was with you. Last year (2015) was a year of adjusting to life with you. This year we have to readjust to life without you and it just feels wrong. I know that you are bringing so much joy to Heaven. It is just who you are. And in my mind I can see you praising the Lord just like you did here. Whole body, whole soul. Miss you like crazy.


Lord, Thank you for holding us, sustaining us. Help us walk through this in a way that can only bring you glory.

One Week

One week almost to the minute since we were rushing to the ER. One moment our day was going perfect...the next moment it turned into a nightmare. One week since I held you in my arms. One week since I chased you around closing toilet seats and shooing you away from the trash cans. One week since you gave me a kiss and lots of drool. One week since we plan our days around you. One week with so much quiet. One week of a broken heart. One week of a gaping hole in our family. One week of you with Jesus.

Happy week in Heaven Ezra. Enjoy your day little one. We are just trying to figure out how to live down here without you. Love you so.

Ezra Hello to Heaven Video

This amazing video was put together by Brian @ Brian Shofner Photography.

Hardest video I have ever watched.  Only saw it once.

Celebration Day

E baby. We celebrated you all day. It was beautiful weather and you are absolutely cherished little one. As we try to figure out how to live down here without you, I am thankful to know you are racing Jesus up the streets of gold and eating all the bananas you can find. I long to hold you as we sing before bed but I know that you are praising your creator with all that is within you. Love you so so much little one. Miss you like crazy. 💗

Friends, family, and new friends we don't yet have words to properly express our love and thankfulness to each of you. You have blessed our socks off. We thank you for praying and continuing to pray. Thanks for loving brightly today!