Matthew West Concert

The girls and I had an amazing time at the Matthew West All In Tour tonight. Amazing. 💙 I needed that so much. 💙 Thank you Liz Cauley for having us...worshipping with family is the best! #fillmytank #touchingheaven #MissYouE

20 Months...

Hey sweet boy. Happy 20 months in Heaven little one! I am sorry that I missed writing to you yesterday and pretty much ALL of today. I’m sure you can see how rough of a couple of days it has been. We will blame it on Texas weather yo-yoing. Daddy thinks I stressed myself into it. It is most likely a mix of both. 🤷‍♀️😜 The truth is October was a hard month for me. One of the hardest months I have had in an year. I miss you. I think I finally figured out one of the reasons it was so hard. I am weary. Weary of walking through events without you. Weary of watching your siblings struggle with anger and fear. Weary of time marching by when I am not ready for it. Weary of searching for ways to parent an child in Heaven. (It’s ridiculous, I know) I started writing down all the words of Jesus recently (don’t be impressed, I am not very far into the process) 🙄 The very first thing recorded of Jesus speaking in Matthew is in Chapter 3. He is telling John that John must baptize him. Vs 15 in the NLT says, “It must be done, because we must do everything that is right.” And whoa did this speak to me. In the midst of planning our 2nd Eating 4 Ezra, I had lost my joy. I want so desperately for it to be a rousing success! Because, in my mind, this is one thing I CAN still do for you. It is something tangible I can wrap my love for you into. Planning an event is not really in my wheelhouse, but it is the right thing to do. The right thing to do for you and your buddies up in Heaven. The right thing to do is to raise awareness. The right thing to do is to help fund research. The right thing to do is to communicate with 1st responders on how to treat traumatized parents walking through an nightmare. The right thing to do is to help other people walking this road find the SUDC Foundation and the support it offers. The right thing to do is hard and uncomfortable. The right thing to do takes everything I have most days. You my beautiful boy are so worth it. You and your throng of radiant friends in Heaven are worth the effort and the exhaustion. I will not grow weary of doing good….at least not for long….because good will happen if I do not give up. I miss you so much son. So much. I long to feel your hands on the side of my face. I long to sing to you before bed. I long to look into those blue eyes. Dance with Jesus little one. I might have stumbled through October, but I am still one month closer to you! #MissYouE 💙💙 Friends, if you could just look at these faces in this super short video. 😍 They are stunning. It takes my breath away to look at this banner. 💔 Did you know that SUDC is the 5th leading cause of death in children 1-4 years of age? No, you didn’t . No one knows that. But we are working hard to change that. Thanks for helping us. We are truly surrounded by the best humans on the planet and we know it. 🌏💙🌎💙

19 Months....

Happy happy 19 months in Heaven sweet boy!! Oh, how we miss you! As I sit in the same room where we told your siblings you were in heaven, I reflect on all the memories we had with you in this room. In this very room, I found out that I was pregnant with you. (Told your Daddy and Sugar there too). In this very room, I sat with a Lactation consultant on Christmas Morning while being sick as a dog. You saw your first real snow in this room. Many messes were made and lots of towers were knocked over in this room. Sitting alone in this room, I am thankful that it is an easier first of the month than it was last year. My longing for you hasn’t decreased at all,but the raw, piercing-ness of the pain has. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish you would cup your sweet hands around my face, give me a hug, and a huge, open mouth, drooling kiss! I love you forever my sweet boy. One month closer to you. #MissYouE 💙💙 Recent Grief snapshots with the kids…. This is the hardest part, the tricky part. Dealing with your own emotions and being available to help sort out your kids emotions. 🙃 It breaks my heart that my oldest has started putting this caveat on conversations. Hen asked about what she wants to do in the future Hannah says, “I want to have kids that do not die. “ Bless. Me too love, me too💔 So often Israel says this or an variation of this. Israel “Why does my best friend have to live in heaven? When can I go?” Or “If Ezra was here, we would be playing transformers(or fill in the blank)”💔 Sadie ….there was something said about her being the only one to have her own room, she came to me bawling, “Mom, I never asked to have my own room. I didn’t even want it. But the brother that shared my room DIED! It’s not my fault” Bucket of tears. Bless her heart. And now she has started to do this nightly ritual that she follows. She has an specific order to her “ I love you, see you tomorrow” statements at night. If you don’t answer fast enough or to her liking she repeats and repeats. (Think Rainman-ish) I know she is just working through some fear, but it breaks my heart. 💔 Izzy came to an store without shoes one day. It was only the first of several errands we had, so I went ahead and bought him some flip flops. While we were picking some out he noticed the same pair of flipflops that our friends little guy had. (The friends little guy was born within 7 days of E) He then would not be talked out of those flip flops. 💙 He wanted to match. And I just know that is one of his ways of coping ...just like following two year olds around is. And I also know that he would have LOVED matching with E! ❤️ Our nephew, Brooks, just passed E in age recently. Last month he was 16 months at my Mom’s house. He was in all the same rooms. Doing all the same actions of kids who don’t speak yet! Eating the same foods. 🥚 🍌 Playing with the same toys. Crazy triggers. Crazy emotional for me. But Praise the Lord we made it through. 🙌 He will be an different age the next time, and I am hopeful for less triggers. I love him so. 💙 We are planning our 💙2nd Eating 4 Ezra 💙and we pray that you will join us! All the proceeds from the Eating and the shirts will go straight to the SUDC foundation. (To help support new families walking this path, to find research, and to spread awareness) We are so thankful we found the SUDC foundation early so we never felt completely alone in our nightmare. ❤️ We love you all and SO look forward to seeing you!!!