22 Months

Happy 22 months (plus 4 days) in Heaven my sweet boy! Happy New Year! I dreamt of you the other night. And I don’t remember much about the dream but just staring at your sweet face. I love you little one. ❤️❤️ We are barreling towards 2 years without you here at a rapid pace. I want to stop time and take a breath. Or 5. But time keeps on ticking. You see...around December 10th I ran out of juice for the year of 2017. If I am honest with myself, I am completely shocked that I made it that far without running out of gas. Empty. What I have discovered in our second year without you...not discovered...figured out for fact is that the fall is rough. Getting back into swing of school, my birthday, Halloween, your birthday, Eating 4 Ezra, Thanksgiving, Daddy’s birthday, Christmas, and New Year’s all come flying at us in less than 100 days. 🙅‍♀️ Last year, I just figured it was getting through all the firsts without you that made me so tired. This year I recognized it, but I just couldn’t get far enough ahead of it. 😢😢 You can never predict how any day is going to go when homeschooling. You just can’t. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️. So in addition to the big events listed...there are so many more little ones at home with your siblings who miss you so much. 💔💔 Let me just tell you about a couple of highlights from December (not for sympathy...just facts) Driving home from swimming one day I hear weeping in the back seat. Weeping. 😭😭It takes me a bit to evaluate who is crying. Israel is just wailing and I realize what song is on….. Beautiful Things We Miss by Matthew West...he just keeps saying “Ezra” over and over and breaks my heart. It amazes me that my 6 year old was paying close enough attention to the lyrics to get it...here are just an few… We don't get to rewind There's no such thing as next time Help me remember, help me remember, we don't get this back They were right when they said don't blink It all goes faster than you think Lord, help me remember, help me remember The beautiful things we miss I don't wanna miss it I don't wanna look back someday and find Everything that really mattered Was right in front of me this whole time Open up my eyes, Lord Keep me in the moment just like this Before the beautiful things we love Become the beautiful things we miss 💔💔💔 Our ten year old still overcoming at bedtime. She’s great until you mention the word....bed. Then she fights the fear with everything she has. It is heartbreaking to watch. 💔 Truly. I love that she fights it though. She is walking out her victory one brutal night at a time. 😞 One day at swimming Izzy came up to me and said, “Mom, will you tell me everything that happened at the hospital the day Ezra died? I already told my friends EVERYTHING that I remember from the house part!” 😳😳I look over to see these sweet faces looking at me waiting for more. I told Israel to move on to a new topic and just play. After he scampered off, I walked over to the Mom of the kiddos and explain as best I could what their kids might have just heard. 😳🤷‍♀️😳 Another very awkward conversation. Bless. I believe that 12 year olds are a hard age anyway. The hormones, the middle school, the hormones, and just the general figuring out of life. Did I mention the hormones? 😆😆 Deciding who you will be. So add in missing a brother and friends that have unexpectedly left her….you get a melting pot of emotions and reactions to almost every. Single. Thing you say. Anything. 😜 She is brave. She knows the truth. She will find her way. I just might have a complete head of grey hair first. 👵🏻👵🏻 Social media is a booger in the fall. FB seems to be full of perfect families with their perfect traditions and their perfectly whole photos. Most people only show the perfect. The BEST photo. 📷 Not the one where someone is crying or picking their boogers. It’s a hard place to be when you are missing a kiddo in every picture. 💔 In every tradition. Always a hole. Always. 💔 So I got off social media for a while. Only got on for about 5 minutes a few days a week. #dowhatworks Izzy started requesting that Ezra come listen to him during reading lessons. 😳 What does one say to that? Well I don’t know what the right answer is, but I do what every sane parent must do...of course? We ask really loud for E to come listen to this riveting (not) story his brother is reading. Not once, but twice. 🙂 Sweetest brother ever. 😍 Wednesday December 20th was an memorable day...we were driving to swimmng. We were actually running early. Kids were all listening to Adventures in Odyssey. No bickering. No distractions. Suddenly, traffic stopped and I ran into the car in front of me. (who ran into the car in front of him) Air bags deployed. The whole shebang. Totaled the car. 🚙 Super. Not to over dramatize the event, but it was again me and the kids. Again, I had to call Jake’s school telling the office there was an emergency. My kids were unharmed but rattled emotionally. 5 days before Christmas. Life felt fragile again. So fragile. The lady that was hit actually complemented me on how calm I was for the kids. 😉 Bless her kind heart. She didn’t need to know or witness how quickly my kiddos can emotionally jump off the cliff. And as soon as Jake got there and the kids were safely with their Grandmother, you better believe I cried. 😭 Jake is a saint. Talked me off the emotional cliff too. ❤️ After Christmas Eve service, we visited E’s grave. Gosh, we miss him. Sometimes I can make myself forget for an bit. But at the cemetary you can’t forget. I looked at Jake and said, “How is this real life that we have an child buried here?” I’m pretty sure he didn’t answer. The worst part is that we were not the only ones there at 8:30 pm on Christmas Eve. Ugh. I pretty much bawled the entire 40 minute ride home as Jake blasted the Christmas music. 🎵 Then I dried my face and stuffed the stockings.🎄 Happy birthday, Jesus! You are the reason. ❤️ Everytime I would get myself filled up and ready to face another day….someone needed it. The constant pouring out is life. But you can only pour what you have. There are only so many fumes to go around. Repeat. Grief While I worked hard to heal my heart….it doesn’t mean my kids did the same work. How could they? 💔 So we take opportunity every day to chat about where their heart is. We remind them of the truth and who they are. ✝️ It feels like we say the exact same thing 1000’s of times with no headway. That sounds pretty on paper. But it is usually not in reality. There are tears, there are shouts, there is anger and there are lots of hugs and apologies. This is parenting for sure. 🙄But the emotions are so heightened with the trauma….sometimes having an rational conversation is impossible😳😳. You would probably never know it if you just see us. We look pretty normal. (well some of us 😜) I'm a different person than I was 22 months ago. I woulldn’t say I *adore* uncomfortable situations now, but I certainly don’t run from them. I am not afraid of deep conversations. I am not afraid of your pain or my pain. Tears never make me uncomfortable. If anything, they draw me to a person. It’s almost like a sign that says..”I know pain and I am walking forward too”. 😍 Your death sweet boy, has helped me dig deep, with people. Thank you E. 💙 I will stand arm and arm with others when they are believing for breakthrough for their children. I will talk about your crushed dreams and cheer you on as you dream new dreams. I am honored you would talk about your miscarriage with me I will walk beside you through trials and abandonment. Your crazy doesn’t scare me. Your fear doesn’t scare me. Your grief doesn’t scare me. Your imperfectness does not scare me. Your messy house doesn’t give me one second of pause. If anything, it makes me love you more. Because you are real. Real people love people well. And isn’t that what we are called to do here? Love God, love people. So welcome 2018….We come in staggering...but we will gain strength. We will get ourselves filled to overflowing so we have enough to give. We will declare the promises of God over our family. We will keep singing. We will press in. And we will take one step at a time. We will see victory. We will see giants fall. #MissYouE #thankyouJesus