17 Things in 17 Months

I've been trying to write this post for several months. Like 6 months. 🤦‍♀️ Every time in the past, I would get stuck in my memories. This time, the things I wanted to say just came tumbling out. Just a disclaimer.. all of these things are things *I* have learned or relearned since Ezra went to Heaven. I am not saying these things are true for everyone. 💙 17 Things I have Learned in 17 Months: 1. I need to say his name. I need to talk about him. Ezra is my baby whether I see him right now or not. Ignoring this need just hurts me. I DO realize this sounds crazy. 😂 I wouldn’t have believed it either. Talking about him might make me cry, but not talking about him breaks my heart. Tears win. 😉 2. When walking through a tragedy or any “big thing” I learned that I spend so much of my energy and effort working through it, that i have very little tolerance when little things go wrong. Very little. So my reactions to a freezer not working or a car problem were let’s just say….not appropriate. 😳😳 3. If you are having a good emotional day, your kids will not be. Maybe they see that you are stable and they can talk to you about it? Or maybe it is just one of those things...it happens often enough. 🙃🙃 4. A grieving person’s brain is NOT like a normal brain. We might look like we are normal, but the brain is going 1,000 different directions. For example...while we were at a pool recently and I was watching the kids. My thoughts immediately flew to “what would it be like if Ezra was here?” “What would he like/dislike?” Or “Last time we were here E was…” all while having a conversation. I will also find kids around that are around the age Ezra would be AND the age he was when he died and watch all their behaviors. It happens unconsciously and so far has been impossible to stop . It is everywhere, all the time. 😔😔 5. Anxiety is INTENSE. It is immobilizing. I forced myself through every single uncomfortable situation I could to get it over with as soon as I could. I remember the feelings of complete terror, dread, the shaking, and the feelings of passing out. The rock in the stomach. The nausea. It felt like my entire body was screaming. The first time we went to our small group without Ezra, I literally had to remind myself to breathe. But I forced myself through the anxiety. Through the terror. I refused to let it rule over me and my family. And once you go through the 1st time somewhere, the second time is not near as bad. Victory. ❤️ 6. No one has the same grief. No one. No one has the the same triggers. No one has the same memories. No one has the reaction. Sheesh. That clears it right up! There needs to be a TON of grace here. 7. We are the *shocker* family. 😳We are the people who make you uncomfortable. I never aimed to be this way. Ever. Honestly, we were kind of forced here. But we shock every new person we meet. We will always talk about Ezra. We talk about death. We talk about dead people as if they are in the other room. It is reality to us. 🙃🙃 8. Death is uncomfortable for people.. If I could think of a stronger word than uncomfortable, I would switch it out in a heartbeat. Good news...death is NOT contagious. We, the Smiths, are the reminders of what could happen. It’s scary. It’s not controllable. Some people can’t deal with this. I get it. (this might have even been me before Ezra died.) 9. Every single human will have hard times in life. Everyone. As Americans we shy away, but really that is when we should press in. Circle the wagons. Be the village. I didn’t realize this before, but generally we have difficulty with grief. We don’t like things to be uncomfortable, awkward or difficult. Even though we know that the BEST things in life come after a struggle, we still steer clear of those situations if we can. I will do better. Each one of you are worth it. 💎 10. Make every effort to be present at the big events in the the lives of those you love. It is THAT important. We had gotten lax with this. We got wrapped up in our own circus that lived at our house. It is easy to do. But life is not about just us. Life is to be shared with others. And as a side note….try to remember important dates...like plug birthdays, anniversaries,Heaven days, baptism days etc into your phone calendar. It takes so little time to let your love ones know you are thinking about them! ❤️👍❤️ 11. Take photos and videos. 🎥 You don’t have to print them or even share them on Facebook. 😜 Just take them. Seeing photos of Ezra helps me. It reminds me that I am not crazy. He was here. A very important part of our lives. AND pictures also preserve memories that might be forgotten otherwise. Some of my favorite pictures are a little blurry...but they remind me of the speed of a toddler 😂 12. I can get through big events….but afterwards (the days after), I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Emotionally, I have no energy at all. Zip. Zilch. The amount of energy it takes to do normal life is staggering sometimes. The amount of energy big events take=everything I have. (hopefully that changes) 13. Practical lesson….Do not start a text with “I know you must be having a terrible day..” this might be totally true, but if the person is having an ok day up to that point...now they feel guilty or just have a flashback/memory that will send them in a different emotional direction. Instead try something like…”I’m thinking about you. How are you doing today?” Give the grieving person the opportunity to share if they want to. 😀 14. Don’t say, “Call me if you need anything!” I know that your heart is gold here but honestly we will not call. We will not even remember that you said that down the road when we need something. 😳 That is the truth. Instead, it was SUPER helpful when someone would text and say, “I am bringing dinner. Does Tuesday or Wednesday work best?” (All I had to do is respond with a day and a thank you. Not a lot of thinking and or planning) OR “Can I come pick up the kids on Wednesday for the afternoon?” (That is yes or no. Easy peasy.) OR “I’m on your side of town, can I bring you a drink? Or pick something up from the grocery store for you?” (yes or no...perfect) Hopefully this helps. It helps me to know what is best. It is also good for after someone has a baby! ❤️😀 15. Not everyone will walk the road with you. Truthfully, not everyone can. People you thought would be there are not. And some others just step right in the muck with you unexpectedly. 😍 Those who walk through the crap with you, they have a special place in your heart forever. 💙💙 16. My foundation is solid. It is firm. No matter how much came crashing down on it, it held. So all the reading, praying, praising, learning, stretching, and growing you are doing is not in vain. His word is true. He is near to the brokenhearted. (so near) 💔 Joy comes in the morning. 🌈 In this world you will have trouble. (John 16;33) He has overcome the world. ✝️ I don’t have ALL the answers. I don’t even have most of the answers, but I know who I put my hope in. 17. When the flashbacks, dark thoughts, fears, anxiety come, I turn on the praise music as loud as possible. 🎶🎶 Like really loud. So loud that I can not even think… Ha! Turn my eyes back to the truth I know. Restart. ✝️💙 Bonus: We are so incredibly thankful for all of you. The way you have come beside us and supported us has been phenomenal. We will never ever ever forget it. Thank you. ❤️💙❤️💙#MissYouE.

17 Months...

Happy happy 17 months in Heaven Ezra! Sweet boy we miss you so much. We talk about you every single day. We think about you every single day. You are never out of our minds. If it is possible for us to miss you more now than we did at the beginning, it is happening. There is a reminder of you every place I look, everywhere we go. You are so much a part of us..we just can't see you right now. Love you SO much my sweet boy! We are one month closer to seeing you again. ❤️❤️❤️ Friends, I have a post rolling around in my mind, in my heart to share. But to be perfectly honest, I am just exhausted. I haven't had the time or the energy to sit down and get it out. So maybe tomorrow. For now I just want to look at some pictures of my baby because we miss him so much. Enjoy!