Four Months in

The first of the month used to be my favorite time of the month...it’s payday, it’s new, it’s exciting, it’s a clean slate. Now I feel my body start dreading the first of the month a week before it happens. There is a foreboding feeling. There is anxiety. There are flashbacks. And there is the unrelenting reminder that though ALL your stuff is still here, you are not. Today I didn’t want to get up at all. I just wanted to stay in bed and not feel all the feelings that come with days like this. But that is not how this works. There are other people who need me, and like you DEMAND to eat. So we take another step through the pain. We haven’t moved anything of yours. Your toys are still in the living room. Your clothes are all still in the closet and the dresser. Your high chair sits on top of the table. Your suitcase from Abilene sits in the corner of the room and is still packed. All the sites of you...just not you. (This is probably weird but I don’t care) I spent every waking hour with you your whole life (or really close to it). I knew all your little nuances. Thankfully, I watched all your milestones happen. So I find myself just thinking constantly about you. What you are doing? What new things you have learned? Who are you with? What do you remember about us? Do you know how much we love you? Do you see how much we miss you?
I am counting on the fact that you do. Four months in Heaven Ezra. How much fun are you having? Daddy and I were talking about the fact that you have probably already met the biblical characters you are named after...and WHOA are we jealous! Maybe they videotape those kind of things so that I can watch all your firsts in Heaven when I get there? Little boy we love you so so much and long for the day we see your face again!#MissyouE

Thank you friends for loving us through this. Thank you for praying for us. Thank you for letting us cry..and you crying too. Thank you for saying his name out loud. Thank you for starting awkward conversations because you care. Thank you for coming alongside us in the muck to make sure we don’t stay there. And thank you for all the grace you show us.

Grief pictures:
-Your four year old puts his hands on your cheeks, looks you in the eyes, and asks, “Why did you let my brother die Mommy?”
-You and your husband quietly crying yourselves to sleep together after looking at pictures because neither of us have any words.
-Your son has taken to playing with the baby toys because he misses E so bad.
-Husband apologizing by text that he left the death certificate on the kitchen table when he left because he knows that for some reason seeing my baby’s name on paperwork sends me to a shaky place.
-Your daughter going to sleep in your bed every night because it “feels better”.
-Your daughter coming out in the middle of the night bawling about how unfair it is and how, “it was getting to the really fun part with Ezra!” (basically meaning fun to take places, fun to play with, fun to watch)
-Watching your son invite himself to play with any little boy around E’s age because he misses him so bad.
-As we were praying for our new babies (that we want to have) each of them put in a caveat for them to be healthy and to LIVE a long time.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

I hope to leave you with one of my favorite songs. I LOVE all the lyrics, but especially the very end.

Don’t look to the right or to the left, just keep your eyes on me.
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved.
I am the hand to hold, I am the truth. I am the way.
Just come to me, come to me, cause I’m all that you need.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY0Vz8fvIhE