HEB is a place I frequent. San Antonio is HEB mecca. We live ½ a mile away from our HEB. Not only do I know where everything is located, my kids do too. It had been over 2 weeks since I had been to HEB w/our Colorado trip and mandatory ‘eat the food we have in the fridge’ beforehand. I walked in pretty much on auto pilot. Headed for the paper plates...priorities. It wasn’t until I got to the egg/milk/juice/yogurt area that I really honed in to the fact that things were significantly different. I didn’t think that much of it because all the same foods were in the general area they were before. Just a tiny bit of backtracking and an extra lap around that area and I was on my way. Still in my own little world, I headed to the produce area. Besides moving where the apples were...again..everything was great. So I headed down the first aisle (to be candid we had only bottled water and condiments in our refrigerator) and stopped in the middle. Just stopped. Instead of finding ketchup, I found bread. Bread. Bread belongs in the middle of the store. I really did stand there and look around trying to recalibrate my brain. What I was seeing and what I knew to be true were NOT lining up. That was just the beginning of the confusion. Aisle after aisle I stopped in the middle and just looked around looking for “my” things. Things that have been in that spot for over 9 nine years…. gone. I ended up walking down EVERY aisle(some multiple times) so I didn’t miss key ingredients to the meal. I was so flustered. The trip took me triple the time it usually does. Walking through HEB that day was confusing. Walking through HEB that day was unsettling. It was no longer carefree..it was labored..and burdensome...heavy and almost frustrating. How similar the reconfiguration of our HEB is to our current life. Don’t get me wrong, rearranging is great. We had a forced redesign. We had a tragedy. Things that we KNEW to be true look different. The Smith’s are still the same “HEB”. We still have the same “ingredients” in our lives (minus E baby) But, everything is different. Things that were given a center aisle are not anymore. Some things that were in the back corner of our store, are now in a prominent display. Some items that were center stage for us are brought even closer to the front. I can no longer make a list in the order of the store and dart in, shop and go. I no longer know where everything is. This so relates to our life right now. EVERYTHING was shaken up. EVERYTHING. You really have to reevaluate every single thing. And there are not a lot of clear answers….or really any answers at all. I don’t claim to know it all, but I have come to these three things I know are truth. 1. God Loves me. 2. Jesus died (and rose) for me. 3. God is good. I can count on these three things when nothing else is clear. And somehow that is enough right now. I guess number 4 would be that Heaven is real and my baby boy is there right now! So I know 4 things. Not much. But enough for now. #MissyouE Lyrics to Steady….a song that has become a theme song of sorts for me right now. You’re my true north when I’m headed south My constant solid ground You are my lantern in the night When I’m twisted up and shaken You’re the one I put my faith in Yeah, you’re the reason I survive [Chorus:] You keep me steady when the sky is falling And I’ll keep steady after You I’ll carry on when my strength is failing Take heart ‘cause You’re with me So let the stars drop, whatever comes I’ll be ready, You keep me steady You keep me steady You’re a river, You cover me When the bombs fall, You’re the cavalry Somehow You’re always standing right by my side So no matter what I will be facing I will not be overtaken And You are the only reason why [Chorus] You’re my hiding place, my home And fear cannot invade these four walls I need You near, I need You here
The first of the month used to be my favorite time of the month...it’s payday, it’s new, it’s exciting, it’s a clean slate. Now I feel my body start dreading the first of the month a week before it happens. There is a foreboding feeling. There is anxiety. There are flashbacks. And there is the unrelenting reminder that though ALL your stuff is still here, you are not. Today I didn’t want to get up at all. I just wanted to stay in bed and not feel all the feelings that come with days like this. But that is not how this works. There are other people who need me, and like you DEMAND to eat. So we take another step through the pain. We haven’t moved anything of yours. Your toys are still in the living room. Your clothes are all still in the closet and the dresser. Your high chair sits on top of the table. Your suitcase from Abilene sits in the corner of the room and is still packed. All the sites of you...just not you. (This is probably weird but I don’t care) I spent every waking hour with you your whole life (or really close to it). I knew all your little nuances. Thankfully, I watched all your milestones happen. So I find myself just thinking constantly about you. What you are doing? What new things you have learned? Who are you with? What do you remember about us? Do you know how much we love you? Do you see how much we miss you? I am counting on the fact that you do. Four months in Heaven Ezra. How much fun are you having? Daddy and I were talking about the fact that you have probably already met the biblical characters you are named after...and WHOA are we jealous! Maybe they videotape those kind of things so that I can watch all your firsts in Heaven when I get there? Little boy we love you so so much and long for the day we see your face again!#MissyouE
Thank you friends for loving us through this. Thank you for praying for us. Thank you for letting us cry..and you crying too. Thank you for saying his name out loud. Thank you for starting awkward conversations because you care. Thank you for coming alongside us in the muck to make sure we don’t stay there. And thank you for all the grace you show us.
Grief pictures: -Your four year old puts his hands on your cheeks, looks you in the eyes, and asks, “Why did you let my brother die Mommy?” -You and your husband quietly crying yourselves to sleep together after looking at pictures because neither of us have any words. -Your son has taken to playing with the baby toys because he misses E so bad. -Husband apologizing by text that he left the death certificate on the kitchen table when he left because he knows that for some reason seeing my baby’s name on paperwork sends me to a shaky place. -Your daughter going to sleep in your bed every night because it “feels better”. -Your daughter coming out in the middle of the night bawling about how unfair it is and how, “it was getting to the really fun part with Ezra!” (basically meaning fun to take places, fun to play with, fun to watch) -Watching your son invite himself to play with any little boy around E’s age because he misses him so bad. -As we were praying for our new babies (that we want to have) each of them put in a caveat for them to be healthy and to LIVE a long time.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18
I hope to leave you with one of my favorite songs. I LOVE all the lyrics, but especially the very end.
Don’t look to the right or to the left, just keep your eyes on me. You will not be shaken, you will not be moved. I am the hand to hold, I am the truth. I am the way. Just come to me, come to me, cause I’m all that you need.
