15 Months

Here it is..the first of the month again. Happy 15 months in Heaven little man! It is unfathomable that you have been gone from my arms this long! Daddy and I have been talking the last couple weeks about this. We miss you so much. It’s hard to explain how we miss you the most. Sometimes we remember that you are gone. Sometimes it seems like you are just out on an adventure with a grandparent and will be back soon. Because surely these memories, more like nightmares, are someone else’s life. Surely MY son did not die. But you did. You are in Heaven and we are stuck here. Izzy has started asking me if we can go back in time just to play and see you again….sheesh. I wish it was that simple. I also wish they gave day passes to Heaven. The desire I have to hold you is crazy intense. Realizing how long it will be till I get to do so is staggering. So just know Ezra, you are LOVED more than you could ever know. Your life down here is still making a difference. We are better “humans” (as Israel likes to say) because we had the chance to love you. Knowing the end, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Love you so much E Friends..to be honest this month has been completly exhausting. I don’t know if I can accurately discribe how much so. Every day is a mental battle. I have a choice to get up and live or not. But it is just not one little decision. Thoughts bombard me from all sides. If we,as a family, go do someting fun, I am happy. While we are having fun, I think of how E might have enjoyed this adventure. I think of things I think he would like. I think of things he would dislike. I think of how easy it is to get out of the house with older kids. I think of how that would be different if he was still with us. I think of how much the girls miss each having a brother to pair up with. I think of how much Israel misses his brother. When the hostess asks us how many, I think 6...but say 5. I watch Izzy find every little boy around the age of 2 and engage with them…..everywhere. I think about what our circus would look like right now. You wouldn’t know it by just looking at us, but we aren’t completely whole. One of us resides in Heaven. That sounds good, but it is hard to walk out sometimes. Sometimes, I am just tired. There are so many things I am thankful for. When the bone weary tired hits, I turn to music. Some of my very favorite lyrics speak straight to me: “Tearing through the night Riding on the storm Staring down the fight My eyes found Yours Shining like the sun Striding through my fear The Prince of peace met me there You heard my prayer” THIS is the only reason we are still living. Jesus strides right through my fear, and gives me peace. And if that wasn’t enough….which it is…. “Your love surrounds me when my thoughts wage war When night screams terror, there Your voice will roar Come death or shadow, God I know Your light will meet me there When fear comes knocking, there You'll be my guard When day breeds trouble, there You'll hold my heart Come storm or battle, God I know Your peace will meet me there” Prince of Peace by Hillsong I don’t know the back story to this song. I know I could look it up, but in my mind it is written for me. Every single part. All of it. About a week after E died I started saying “thank you God that you are holding our hearts while we heal” in our prayers. Every night I said it. It just bubbled out from somewhere deep inside. This song startled me when it used the exact phrase “hold my heart”. (Kim Walker Smith uses the same phrase also in “Rise” on her new FABULOUS album….but that is for another time) I actually had to turn the song off because I was driving and my tears were coming.hard and fast. He meets me right where I am. He holds my heart as I heal. And He surrounds me when my thoughts wage war. He alone gives me the peace I need to keep on and even to live victorious. So thank you Hillsong...for writing a song for me. It settles something deep inside me, and leads my mind back to the truth. Thank you Lord that you are faithful. #MissYouE Edit