14 Months

Hey sweet boy. Happy 14 months in Heaven! We are one more month closer to seeing you. Sheesh...I miss you so much. The gaping hole in our family is more painful this year for some reason. I am guessing that the sheer fortitude and energy we spent getting through all the “1st without you” (birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, vacation, first time to go to our favorite places,etc) temporarily blinded us. Last year we focused on each day. Getting through each new first without you. Spending SO much time helping your siblings process. We lived in the moment, in the what do we need to deal with next. This year...it is different. This year the reality of being without you for the rest of our lives is setting in. Not just one year...but every year you will be missing down here. Every holiday. Every birthday. Every vacation. Every single night I long to hold you. You are SO loved. You are SO missed. This month I write to you from a hotel room in New York. We came to the first ever SUDC Conference. Last night I met face to face with the SUDC foundation staff that have walked beside us the past 14 months. The faces behind the emails and the calls, that skillfully navigated us through the darkest and most confusing nights. (Forever thankful) Last night I met face to face other Mommas that walk the same road I do. It is both amazing and devastating to be in a room like this. Knowing that EVERYONE around you has lost their precious child is overwhelming. BUT it is also wonderful to meet those who have encouraged you from afar. My heart is strengthened watching others, a little farther down the road, live bravely and make a difference in the world. So, Ezra, I met some incredible people last night, and I will meet some more today. I met the families of all your Heaven friends. ❤️ Oh the fun you must be having together! Love you forever. #MissYouE — with Ella Bebow Shelton.