13 Months...

Apr 01, 2017 8:50pm 'I miss you so much Ezra! I know you MUST know HOW incredibly LOVED you are! How we miss you each and every day. All day long. It does not compute in my mind that you could actually have been gone for 13 months. 13 months. I wonder what you are doing all the time. I wonder about all the little details that only moms think about. Who are you with? What are your favorite things right now? What foods do you love? Since Heaven probably doesn't have diapers...how exactly does that work? Do you even have to go potty in Heaven? So many questions...that are just all different ways to say I miss you. I miss everything. Every time I see your sweet cousin Abigail, I think of you. I see her talk, sing, dance, play, and ALL I can think of is that is what you would be doing. And you would just be the best of friends. <3 There are lots of sweet cousins that were born last year around this time. They are all right at a year old. When I see them, I see YOU. They are in the “I am now mobile and I can/will get into anything in less than 5 seconds stage!” This is the stage your were in when you left us. It's so hard to watch them growing and doing the last things I remember you doing. Wish you were here with them wreaking havoc! ❤️ I miss you E. The missing you will never ever stop. I know that. Love you so so much! We made it through the first month of the second year. I wish I could say it was easier. I really feel like we just trudged through it. Like on each and every step I picked my foot up just high enough to clear the quicksand that was waiting to suck us in. I honestly thought that this past month would be WAY easier. It just wasn’t. I am still hopeful that this month has been a fluke and lighter days are coming, but not too hopeful. We are not dealing with the shock, despair and raw wounds from last April. Grief seems to have taken on a different form lately. Now it is a heaviness. It is a reality. I was so proud that of us for making it through the first year . All the incredibly awkward conversations “Where's the baby?” “How many kids do you have?” ✅ All the firsts without him ✅ 7,898 of the hardest, most gut wrenching conversations I've ever had with my kiddos AND with everyone else. ✅ All the tears. ✅ But now my mind goes different directions…. Yes, we have one year down. But how many more do we have to go? 40 more years? Oh my goodness...I cannot even fathom. Doing what we did this past year 40 more times? How? Some days, I used every single ounce of energy I had to get through the day. Not just some days...most days. I feel like I have been living in perpetual exhaustion. Mind AND body...sometimes even down to my soul. Spent and empty. This verse runs through my mind often (as an acapella song I learned 25 years ago) “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."” ‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-24‬ ‭ I am thankful He loves me when I am empty. He is faithful. When I am shaky, He is not. And when all I can do is crawl into bed bone-weary at the end of the day… He’s got me there too. His mercies are new EVERY morning. Amen. #MissYouE' I miss you so much Ezra! I know you MUST know HOW incredibly LOVED you are! How we miss you each and every day. All day long. It does not compute in my mind that you could actually have been gone for 13 months. 13 months. I wonder what you are doing all the time. I wonder about all the little details that only moms think about. Who are you with? What are your favorite things right now? What foods do you love? Since Heaven probably doesn't have diapers...how exactly does that work? Do you even have to go potty in Heaven? So many questions...that are just all different ways to say I miss you. I miss everything. Every time I see your sweet cousin Abigail, I think of you. I see her talk, sing, dance, play, and ALL I can think of is that is what you would be doing. And you would just be the best of friends. <3 There are lots of sweet cousins that were born last year around this time. They are all right at a year old. When I see them, I see YOU. They are in the “I am now mobile and I can/will get into anything in less than 5 seconds stage!” This is the stage your were in when you left us. It's so hard to watch them growing and doing the last things I remember you doing. Wish you were here with them wreaking havoc! ❤️ I miss you E. The missing you will never ever stop. I know that. Love you so so much! We made it through the first month of the second year. I wish I could say it was easier. I really feel like we just trudged through it. Like on each and every step I picked my foot up just high enough to clear the quicksand that was waiting to suck us in. I honestly thought that this past month would be WAY easier. It just wasn’t. I am still hopeful that this month has been a fluke and lighter days are coming, but not too hopeful. We are not dealing with the shock, despair and raw wounds from last April. Grief seems to have taken on a different form lately. Now it is a heaviness. It is a reality. I was so proud that of us for making it through the first year . All the incredibly awkward conversations “Where's the baby?” “How many kids do you have?” ✅ All the firsts without him ✅ 7,898 of the hardest, most gut wrenching conversations I've ever had with my kiddos AND with everyone else. ✅ All the tears. ✅ But now my mind goes different directions…. Yes, we have one year down. But how many more do we have to go? 40 more years? Oh my goodness...I cannot even fathom. Doing what we did this past year 40 more times? How? Some days, I used every single ounce of energy I had to get through the day. Not just some days...most days. I feel like I have been living in perpetual exhaustion. Mind AND body...sometimes even down to my soul. Spent and empty. This verse runs through my mind often (as an acapella song I learned 25 years ago) “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."” ‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-24‬ ‭ I am thankful He loves me when I am empty. He is faithful. When I am shaky, He is not. And when all I can do is crawl into bed bone-weary at the end of the day… He’s got me there too. His mercies are new EVERY morning. Amen. #MissYouE