12 Months ... Year One

Hey son. Sweet E-baby. Happy Heaven day sweet boy! How in the world has it been 365 days since I have held you in my arms? A year. Currently i am sitting in the same chair that I was sitting in when your Dad and I told your siblings that you were no longer alive here on Earth. It wasn’t pretty. In fact it was oh so terrible. No one prepares for that. There is not a manual. Last March 1st began as a normal day...a day that was running WAY smoother than usual. I actually remember thinking, “This day is going perfectly” as we prepared to wake you and go out to eat. Needless to say I didn’t eat that day. My “perfect” day turned into a nightmare you only hear about. Going in to wake you from your nap is where normal ended. The call to 911 . The CPR. The faces of your siblings. When they FINALLY let me see you, you looked so perfect. Just like you were sleeping. I tried to memorize every single thing about you. I rubbed your feet. I stared at your sweet little toes. I held your hand. I rubbed your chubby little fingers. Trying to etch into my mind every detail. You looked so so small on that big table. I fixed your hair. I rubbed your cheeks. I kissed your forehead. I soaked you in as much as I knew how. Surrounded by friends, family and policemen...I only had eyes for you. How was it possible that I was going to walking out of that hospital without you? People were throwing around words like timeline, video, interviews, autopsy, and investigation while I am just trying to figure out if I had enough physical strength to walk out of the hospital. But, here we are. We are still standing. I have to tell you little man...you are getting the BETTER end of this deal. WAY BETTER. We miss you so much. There is an enormous hole in our lives where you were. There is so much healing that we are working through. Meanwhile, you are dancing with Jesus. You are eating, playing, exploring, worshipping, laughing, entertaining, and I hope still waddling : ) I pray you are proud of us. We are doing the extremely hard work of healing and living. The work of choosing to live & love, not just survive. We will have pain if we just try to survive OR if we choose to live. It’s the same amount of pain. So if we have to have pain, we choose to live. And sometimes we have to choose to live again and again. You are so worth it. We love you, E. This week we have been celebrating your 1 year in Heaven, with 1 week of Kindness. (I would rather be throwing you an elaborate birthday party, but I am working with what I’ve got : )) Can you see? I sure hope so. So many people volunteered to help us celebrate. Acts of kindness are being performed all over. People are being blessed. The best part about it is that kindness is contagious. You never know how one act of kindness can reach a person. I pray that this little Kindness week blesses thousands of people. We are ONE YEAR closer to you. We are better people because you were here. We love more. We forgive quicker. We let way more things go…(because some things are just not important) We dream of Heaven. We are less attached to this world. We feel other’s pain and we are willing to walk through it with them. Thank you sweet boy, for teaching us such big lessons in 15 months! I love you Ezra. Thank you friends for your steadfast friendship. We are beyond thankful. The most heartbreaking thing about being one year in this process is the realization that it is only ONE year. That all the work you did to get through this first year, you will have to do it again and again and again. Year after year….until it is your time to go. That thought alone is slightly overwhelming. It makes me want to lay down and sleep for a week or three. We are relying heavily on the fact that “His grace is sufficient in our weakness.” We are relying heavily on the promise that “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” And when the days are so dark…. “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion say my soul Therefore I will trust in Him. “ <3 ♥♥