Happy happy birthday my sweet boy!

Happy happy birthday my sweet boy! I am writing to you on Saturday...tomorrow will be busy. What is it like to be 2 in heaven? Is it a party? Is there cake? Are you running or still waddling? I am sure you are talking. Probably even still a little bossy.

What I want more than anything I can think of is to hug you. Get my last hug as a one year old tonight. And the first 2 year old hug tomorrow. The truth is I got my last hug on March 1st. That was the last earthly hug I will ever get from you. There is an ache there. An ache to hold you. An ache to know every.single.thing. you do each day. Every.single.

I knew your birthday would be packed with Eating 4 Ezra, so I went out to your cave (as Izzy calls it) to spend some time alone. Izzy gave me some toys for you. (Side note: Your brother misses you like crazy. He talks about you, he talks to you, and he talks of going to Heaven to be with you daily. )

I have been trying to gather my thoughts about your birthday all day now. I try to imagine what you would be like, but how can I? The truth is today I am spent. I am exhausted. And I miss you. We all miss you.

Happy birthday Ezra! We will celebrate and honor you all day with many others. Party with Jesus little one! I am confident that Heaven throws better birthday parties than Earth ever could!

Love you so much I could burst baby boy! ❤❤️

#MissYouE

Elections & Emotions

The last couple of days it started.
My heart is heavy.
Dread fills me.

Overwhelming sadness accompanies me.
I just could not figure out what was going on. Why was I feeling dark, heavy? It would come and go during the last few days.
But TODAY...today it has been HEAVY. So heavy. It didn’t make any sense
It is NOT the election..I am at peace with the fact that my GOD is still King no matter the results...
It took me till 2 pm to figure out what it was.
It’s election day.
It’s Tuesday.
Ezra died on March 1st. He died on Super Tuesday. He died on the last big election day. Primaries. So every single sticker that says “I Voted” is triggering something I didn’t even know was there to trigger. It’s the symbol of the day when my life turned upside down.
When all my friends were voting (and yay that they do that), I was leaving the hospital without my baby.
Forever.
How does one even do that?
So when you were watching election results, I was being investigated. I was telling my kiddos that their brother with Jesus.
While you slept soundly that night, I was up all night desperately making sure the kids were breathing, listening to the guttural moans of my husband, and holding the shaking, shock filled body of my oldest.
So today the grief is heavy, the flashbacks frequent, and the tears continuous. And that is ok.
I will...once again… give it all over to the ONE who holds my heart in HIS hands. ❤️
#MissYouE
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Ezra, the Adventure [8 Months]

How repetitive is it if I say “How can it have been 8 months?’ I just can not believe how very fast time is flying by. I wish I could pause it. I feel like we are on a runaway train with no brakes. Life, the train, keeps gaining speed and I have no control over that. You, my boy, are missed fiercely. You are talked about and prayed for every. Single. Day. We are different people because we have loved you and have been loved by you. We have holes in our heart for sure. BUT we are braver, stronger, and kinder too. We are purposeful in walking through fears that creep up now. Life is too short to let fear rule. (And there are the 100’s of times that God says fear not in the Bible.) You have changed our behavior forever sweet one. We are thankful for that.

This past month was eventful around here. I turned 40. Your siblings say that I am “over the hill”, but how about if I am just on top of the hill? I’ll hang out on top for the next 40 years. Surely, you can stay on top for a while and don’t have to go straight over the hill :)
We made it through the entire Dittos week without a complete life altering experience. I call that victory.

Last week we went to the pumpkin patch. Without you. I have been dreading it like crazy. Last year’s pictures are some of my very, very, very favorite. Even the outtake ones….hilarious. Instead of corralling an almost 2 year old and cajoling you to look at the camera, we carried an 8x10 of you around. It was your sister’s idea. They all picked out which picture, and we framed a picture of you. We are now those people. People that make people uncomfortable. We talk about death. We talk about Heaven. We carry photos of you wishing so greatly that it was actually you.
If that wasn’t enough overcoming, we had the 1st Eating 4 Ezra event. You, sweet boy, were honored all day long. You are helping to raise awareness of SUDC and funding for research. Thousands more people know about SUDC because of you. Helping even one family is worth ALL the feelings involved.

Your pregnancy was an adventure.
Giving birth to you was a BIG adventure.
Your life was such an adventure.
And still, you are an adventure. Even still.
1 month closer. Dance with Jesus little one. You are treasured. #MissyouE
“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
We are overwhelmed friends. We are awed at the way you stand with us. We are thankful that you say his name with us. We are strengthened by the way you lift us up to the Father. We pray blessings and blessings upon each of you.