Matthew West Concert

The girls and I had an amazing time at the Matthew West All In Tour tonight. Amazing. 💙 I needed that so much. 💙 Thank you Liz Cauley for having us...worshipping with family is the best! #fillmytank #touchingheaven #MissYouE

20 Months...

Hey sweet boy. Happy 20 months in Heaven little one! I am sorry that I missed writing to you yesterday and pretty much ALL of today. I’m sure you can see how rough of a couple of days it has been. We will blame it on Texas weather yo-yoing. Daddy thinks I stressed myself into it. It is most likely a mix of both. 🤷‍♀️😜 The truth is October was a hard month for me. One of the hardest months I have had in an year. I miss you. I think I finally figured out one of the reasons it was so hard. I am weary. Weary of walking through events without you. Weary of watching your siblings struggle with anger and fear. Weary of time marching by when I am not ready for it. Weary of searching for ways to parent an child in Heaven. (It’s ridiculous, I know) I started writing down all the words of Jesus recently (don’t be impressed, I am not very far into the process) 🙄 The very first thing recorded of Jesus speaking in Matthew is in Chapter 3. He is telling John that John must baptize him. Vs 15 in the NLT says, “It must be done, because we must do everything that is right.” And whoa did this speak to me. In the midst of planning our 2nd Eating 4 Ezra, I had lost my joy. I want so desperately for it to be a rousing success! Because, in my mind, this is one thing I CAN still do for you. It is something tangible I can wrap my love for you into. Planning an event is not really in my wheelhouse, but it is the right thing to do. The right thing to do for you and your buddies up in Heaven. The right thing to do is to raise awareness. The right thing to do is to help fund research. The right thing to do is to communicate with 1st responders on how to treat traumatized parents walking through an nightmare. The right thing to do is to help other people walking this road find the SUDC Foundation and the support it offers. The right thing to do is hard and uncomfortable. The right thing to do takes everything I have most days. You my beautiful boy are so worth it. You and your throng of radiant friends in Heaven are worth the effort and the exhaustion. I will not grow weary of doing good….at least not for long….because good will happen if I do not give up. I miss you so much son. So much. I long to feel your hands on the side of my face. I long to sing to you before bed. I long to look into those blue eyes. Dance with Jesus little one. I might have stumbled through October, but I am still one month closer to you! #MissYouE 💙💙 Friends, if you could just look at these faces in this super short video. 😍 They are stunning. It takes my breath away to look at this banner. 💔 Did you know that SUDC is the 5th leading cause of death in children 1-4 years of age? No, you didn’t . No one knows that. But we are working hard to change that. Thanks for helping us. We are truly surrounded by the best humans on the planet and we know it. 🌏💙🌎💙

19 Months....

Happy happy 19 months in Heaven sweet boy!! Oh, how we miss you! As I sit in the same room where we told your siblings you were in heaven, I reflect on all the memories we had with you in this room. In this very room, I found out that I was pregnant with you. (Told your Daddy and Sugar there too). In this very room, I sat with a Lactation consultant on Christmas Morning while being sick as a dog. You saw your first real snow in this room. Many messes were made and lots of towers were knocked over in this room. Sitting alone in this room, I am thankful that it is an easier first of the month than it was last year. My longing for you hasn’t decreased at all,but the raw, piercing-ness of the pain has. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish you would cup your sweet hands around my face, give me a hug, and a huge, open mouth, drooling kiss! I love you forever my sweet boy. One month closer to you. #MissYouE 💙💙 Recent Grief snapshots with the kids…. This is the hardest part, the tricky part. Dealing with your own emotions and being available to help sort out your kids emotions. 🙃 It breaks my heart that my oldest has started putting this caveat on conversations. Hen asked about what she wants to do in the future Hannah says, “I want to have kids that do not die. “ Bless. Me too love, me too💔 So often Israel says this or an variation of this. Israel “Why does my best friend have to live in heaven? When can I go?” Or “If Ezra was here, we would be playing transformers(or fill in the blank)”💔 Sadie ….there was something said about her being the only one to have her own room, she came to me bawling, “Mom, I never asked to have my own room. I didn’t even want it. But the brother that shared my room DIED! It’s not my fault” Bucket of tears. Bless her heart. And now she has started to do this nightly ritual that she follows. She has an specific order to her “ I love you, see you tomorrow” statements at night. If you don’t answer fast enough or to her liking she repeats and repeats. (Think Rainman-ish) I know she is just working through some fear, but it breaks my heart. 💔 Izzy came to an store without shoes one day. It was only the first of several errands we had, so I went ahead and bought him some flip flops. While we were picking some out he noticed the same pair of flipflops that our friends little guy had. (The friends little guy was born within 7 days of E) He then would not be talked out of those flip flops. 💙 He wanted to match. And I just know that is one of his ways of coping ...just like following two year olds around is. And I also know that he would have LOVED matching with E! ❤️ Our nephew, Brooks, just passed E in age recently. Last month he was 16 months at my Mom’s house. He was in all the same rooms. Doing all the same actions of kids who don’t speak yet! Eating the same foods. 🥚 🍌 Playing with the same toys. Crazy triggers. Crazy emotional for me. But Praise the Lord we made it through. 🙌 He will be an different age the next time, and I am hopeful for less triggers. I love him so. 💙 We are planning our 💙2nd Eating 4 Ezra 💙and we pray that you will join us! All the proceeds from the Eating and the shirts will go straight to the SUDC foundation. (To help support new families walking this path, to find research, and to spread awareness) We are so thankful we found the SUDC foundation early so we never felt completely alone in our nightmare. ❤️ We love you all and SO look forward to seeing you!!!

18 Months..

18 months in Heaven. 1 year, 6 months 549 days 78 weeks and 3 days 13,179 hours 790,560 minutes 47,433,600 seconds Happy happy day Ezra! 💙 Somehow I blinked and it was the first again. We made it through another month, but I don’t know how. 😳 I am praying that my brain power comes back….and my memory. Seriously. Not sure exactly what happens in trauma but goodness it is intense. 😔 We are planning Eating 4 Ezra year two! 😍 Exciting. Spreading awareness of 💙SUDC💙 (and YOU) and raising funding for research that is SO needed! I know all you kids are having a blast in Heaven, but we want to find a cure for this type of death. 💔 Soon. Summer is over and we are back in the grind. I think this is when it hits home again. Homeschooling goes so much smoother without you! 😔 I know it sounds cruel, but it is the truth. It makes me cry when we get through with school early, because that means there were no interruptions by you. 😭😭 We all talk about it. We long to have our “private time”....which just means each person gets a few minutes to keep you from destroying a certain area of the house! We learned to love MORE and be LESS selfish when you arrived in our lives.. We learned how much a heart could break when you left. 💔💔 And now we ache with anticipation of what is to come. I couldn’t love you anymore if I tried. I couldn’t miss you anymore...it’s just not possible. Your life is still teaching us. And where you are is pulling us toward you….one day at a time. Dance with Jesus little one. We are 549 days closer than we were! #MissYouE Things have been a bit crazy down here, and my heart is heavy with the tragedies around me. But i also see SO MUCH beauty in tragedy. So much Love. ❤️ So much good. (I know, I am weird). Some days the heaviness in my heart physically weighs me down. Sometimes I do a very poor job of “casting my cares”. Sometimes I try to walk this road on my own. Force my way...barely going anywhere. Then I remember, I cannot do this alone. I am not wired that way. I have to give the heaviness to the only one who can hold it. I have to plant my feet (again) firmly on His promises. I have to remind myself of the truth, because the heart lies and my mind is wildly imaginative. 🙃 I finished reading a book today that was amazing. (Yay for finishing….completion is worthy of celebration 🥇) The only book that touches grief that I have finished. 👏 The only one that rings true. It is eerie when you read a book and find your bizarre,crazy thoughts written there. 😱 I mean really eerie. But in someway it is a slight bit comforting that you are not the only human on the planet who has had wild thoughts and wilder conversations after a tragedy. In addition to “demented” thoughts, I also have developed some processes that work for me. They are opposite of how you think you would deal with tragedy. And whoa...when someone else has reached the same conclusion that lives in Montana...it gives you confidence?? Maybe assurance?? 🤣 This book is so good I will read it again, I plan on asking Jake to read it, and letting the girls read it. Though our story is different, we both walked out of a hospital with one less child on this planet. 💔 Completely unexpected. I would recommend this book to everyone. Everyone. Anyone who walks this planet will have trouble and will need to be reminded of the truth. To be anchored again. ⚓️ Thank you Levi Lusko for sharing your Leyna with the world. I just know her and Ezra are friends! 😀🦁😀 Some favorite quotes from the book: “Our faith works in the fire, not just when life is fun.” Yes it does. Actually...better. “But I do know that today wasn’t as hard to get though as day two was. At some point along the way, I learned to not resist happiness or feel guilty when I felt good. Though it feels like a betrayal, being able to enjoy life doesn't mean you don't miss the person who is gone.” Amen. Day 2 was probably the hardest day of my entire life. 💔Today is much better than day 2, AND I do laugh everyday. That is something to celebrate. 🎉 “Living with your heart set on heaven but your feet still on Earth is not easy” -Can I get a huge amen here? My kids struggle with this too. Talking longingly about Heaven and wondering why they have to do their Math/Latin/Geography/Grammar lessons. What does it matter Mom? I won’t need to add fractions in Heaven, or speak Latin. 😳 “When I am surrounded by a throng of God’s people and we all lift high the name of Jesus, the worship experience is like tony Stark’s glowing arc reactor: the pressure inside my chest is alleviated and the sharp barb gets temporarily pulled from my heart. These are also the moments when I feel nearest to heaven, much more than when I stand at Leyna’s grave. With my eyes closed, my hands raised and the music swirling around me, I get glimpses of God’s glory that transcend all else. In those fleeting moments, I feel locked into the frequency of Jesus, and everything else just fades to gray.” 🎶 THIS is EXACTLY me. I feel like I can touch Heaven. I feel like it is possible that in these moments Ezra and I are doing the exact same thing. And I may turn into a concert junky….touching Heaven is addicting. 🎶 “People often tell me, “I don’t know how you've managed to survive. I don’t think I could do it if I were you. “ When I hear that kind of thing, the response in my head is often, I don’t think I can make it though this, either! But what choice have I had? No one gave me an option. I didn't sign up for this.” -THIS. So much this. In most trauma you were not given a choice. Just breathe and take one step forward. Repeat. ❤️

17 Things in 17 Months

I've been trying to write this post for several months. Like 6 months. 🤦‍♀️ Every time in the past, I would get stuck in my memories. This time, the things I wanted to say just came tumbling out. Just a disclaimer.. all of these things are things *I* have learned or relearned since Ezra went to Heaven. I am not saying these things are true for everyone. 💙 17 Things I have Learned in 17 Months: 1. I need to say his name. I need to talk about him. Ezra is my baby whether I see him right now or not. Ignoring this need just hurts me. I DO realize this sounds crazy. 😂 I wouldn’t have believed it either. Talking about him might make me cry, but not talking about him breaks my heart. Tears win. 😉 2. When walking through a tragedy or any “big thing” I learned that I spend so much of my energy and effort working through it, that i have very little tolerance when little things go wrong. Very little. So my reactions to a freezer not working or a car problem were let’s just say….not appropriate. 😳😳 3. If you are having a good emotional day, your kids will not be. Maybe they see that you are stable and they can talk to you about it? Or maybe it is just one of those things...it happens often enough. 🙃🙃 4. A grieving person’s brain is NOT like a normal brain. We might look like we are normal, but the brain is going 1,000 different directions. For example...while we were at a pool recently and I was watching the kids. My thoughts immediately flew to “what would it be like if Ezra was here?” “What would he like/dislike?” Or “Last time we were here E was…” all while having a conversation. I will also find kids around that are around the age Ezra would be AND the age he was when he died and watch all their behaviors. It happens unconsciously and so far has been impossible to stop . It is everywhere, all the time. 😔😔 5. Anxiety is INTENSE. It is immobilizing. I forced myself through every single uncomfortable situation I could to get it over with as soon as I could. I remember the feelings of complete terror, dread, the shaking, and the feelings of passing out. The rock in the stomach. The nausea. It felt like my entire body was screaming. The first time we went to our small group without Ezra, I literally had to remind myself to breathe. But I forced myself through the anxiety. Through the terror. I refused to let it rule over me and my family. And once you go through the 1st time somewhere, the second time is not near as bad. Victory. ❤️ 6. No one has the same grief. No one. No one has the the same triggers. No one has the same memories. No one has the reaction. Sheesh. That clears it right up! There needs to be a TON of grace here. 7. We are the *shocker* family. 😳We are the people who make you uncomfortable. I never aimed to be this way. Ever. Honestly, we were kind of forced here. But we shock every new person we meet. We will always talk about Ezra. We talk about death. We talk about dead people as if they are in the other room. It is reality to us. 🙃🙃 8. Death is uncomfortable for people.. If I could think of a stronger word than uncomfortable, I would switch it out in a heartbeat. Good news...death is NOT contagious. We, the Smiths, are the reminders of what could happen. It’s scary. It’s not controllable. Some people can’t deal with this. I get it. (this might have even been me before Ezra died.) 9. Every single human will have hard times in life. Everyone. As Americans we shy away, but really that is when we should press in. Circle the wagons. Be the village. I didn’t realize this before, but generally we have difficulty with grief. We don’t like things to be uncomfortable, awkward or difficult. Even though we know that the BEST things in life come after a struggle, we still steer clear of those situations if we can. I will do better. Each one of you are worth it. 💎 10. Make every effort to be present at the big events in the the lives of those you love. It is THAT important. We had gotten lax with this. We got wrapped up in our own circus that lived at our house. It is easy to do. But life is not about just us. Life is to be shared with others. And as a side note….try to remember important dates...like plug birthdays, anniversaries,Heaven days, baptism days etc into your phone calendar. It takes so little time to let your love ones know you are thinking about them! ❤️👍❤️ 11. Take photos and videos. 🎥 You don’t have to print them or even share them on Facebook. 😜 Just take them. Seeing photos of Ezra helps me. It reminds me that I am not crazy. He was here. A very important part of our lives. AND pictures also preserve memories that might be forgotten otherwise. Some of my favorite pictures are a little blurry...but they remind me of the speed of a toddler 😂 12. I can get through big events….but afterwards (the days after), I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Emotionally, I have no energy at all. Zip. Zilch. The amount of energy it takes to do normal life is staggering sometimes. The amount of energy big events take=everything I have. (hopefully that changes) 13. Practical lesson….Do not start a text with “I know you must be having a terrible day..” this might be totally true, but if the person is having an ok day up to that point...now they feel guilty or just have a flashback/memory that will send them in a different emotional direction. Instead try something like…”I’m thinking about you. How are you doing today?” Give the grieving person the opportunity to share if they want to. 😀 14. Don’t say, “Call me if you need anything!” I know that your heart is gold here but honestly we will not call. We will not even remember that you said that down the road when we need something. 😳 That is the truth. Instead, it was SUPER helpful when someone would text and say, “I am bringing dinner. Does Tuesday or Wednesday work best?” (All I had to do is respond with a day and a thank you. Not a lot of thinking and or planning) OR “Can I come pick up the kids on Wednesday for the afternoon?” (That is yes or no. Easy peasy.) OR “I’m on your side of town, can I bring you a drink? Or pick something up from the grocery store for you?” (yes or no...perfect) Hopefully this helps. It helps me to know what is best. It is also good for after someone has a baby! ❤️😀 15. Not everyone will walk the road with you. Truthfully, not everyone can. People you thought would be there are not. And some others just step right in the muck with you unexpectedly. 😍 Those who walk through the crap with you, they have a special place in your heart forever. 💙💙 16. My foundation is solid. It is firm. No matter how much came crashing down on it, it held. So all the reading, praying, praising, learning, stretching, and growing you are doing is not in vain. His word is true. He is near to the brokenhearted. (so near) 💔 Joy comes in the morning. 🌈 In this world you will have trouble. (John 16;33) He has overcome the world. ✝️ I don’t have ALL the answers. I don’t even have most of the answers, but I know who I put my hope in. 17. When the flashbacks, dark thoughts, fears, anxiety come, I turn on the praise music as loud as possible. 🎶🎶 Like really loud. So loud that I can not even think… Ha! Turn my eyes back to the truth I know. Restart. ✝️💙 Bonus: We are so incredibly thankful for all of you. The way you have come beside us and supported us has been phenomenal. We will never ever ever forget it. Thank you. ❤️💙❤️💙#MissYouE.

17 Months...

Happy happy 17 months in Heaven Ezra! Sweet boy we miss you so much. We talk about you every single day. We think about you every single day. You are never out of our minds. If it is possible for us to miss you more now than we did at the beginning, it is happening. There is a reminder of you every place I look, everywhere we go. You are so much a part of us..we just can't see you right now. Love you SO much my sweet boy! We are one month closer to seeing you again. ❤️❤️❤️ Friends, I have a post rolling around in my mind, in my heart to share. But to be perfectly honest, I am just exhausted. I haven't had the time or the energy to sit down and get it out. So maybe tomorrow. For now I just want to look at some pictures of my baby because we miss him so much. Enjoy!

16 Months...

Hey sweet boy! 💙 Happy 16 months in Heaven. I know I say this every month, but I can hardly believe it has been SIXTEEN months since I held you. 16 months since I sang to you. 16 months since I changed your diaper. 16 months since I searched the entire house for a pacifier. 16 months since I daily searched the trash to see what treasures you had stashed in there. 16 months since I heard your laugh and your squeal. 16 months since our family was whole. 16 months since my heart was whole. Which is a very wordy way to say...you are SO SO missed and SO SO loved. ❤️💙❤️💙 I just want you to know little one...you got the better end of this bargain. 😜 You only knew love. You only knew adoration. You only knew safety. And then you went straight to Heaven. HEAVEN. You never knew uncertainty. You never knew loss. You never knew heartbreak. You never knew bullying. Or debt. Or evil. And I am happy about that for you! But....selfishly...... I miss you for me. 💔💔 Love you so so much, Mom **This morning I had an hour and a half drive alone. (Moms...seriously... isn't this amazing??!!). I decided to get ahead of my emotions for the day. I put the praise music on as loud as I wanted and reminded myself of THE truth. I just wanted to share the song that resonated so deeply with me: ⚓️ "Anchor” ⚓️ by Hillsong I have this hope As an anchor for my soul Through every storm I will hold to You With endless love All my fear is swept away In everything I will trust in You There is hope in the promise of the cross You gave everything to save the world You love And this hope is an anchor for my soul Our God will stand Unshakeable Unchanging One You who was and is to come Your promise sure You will not let go Your Name is higher Your Name is greater All my hope is in You Your word unfailing Your promise unshaken All my hope is in You **Thank you LORD for your word and for your promises. They are UNFAILING and UNSHAKEN and my HOPE is fully in YOU. ❤️⚓️