17 Things in 17 Months

I've been trying to write this post for several months. Like 6 months. 🤦‍♀️ Every time in the past, I would get stuck in my memories. This time, the things I wanted to say just came tumbling out. Just a disclaimer.. all of these things are things *I* have learned or relearned since Ezra went to Heaven. I am not saying these things are true for everyone. 💙 17 Things I have Learned in 17 Months: 1. I need to say his name. I need to talk about him. Ezra is my baby whether I see him right now or not. Ignoring this need just hurts me. I DO realize this sounds crazy. 😂 I wouldn’t have believed it either. Talking about him might make me cry, but not talking about him breaks my heart. Tears win. 😉 2. When walking through a tragedy or any “big thing” I learned that I spend so much of my energy and effort working through it, that i have very little tolerance when little things go wrong. Very little. So my reactions to a freezer not working or a car problem were let’s just say….not appropriate. 😳😳 3. If you are having a good emotional day, your kids will not be. Maybe they see that you are stable and they can talk to you about it? Or maybe it is just one of those things...it happens often enough. 🙃🙃 4. A grieving person’s brain is NOT like a normal brain. We might look like we are normal, but the brain is going 1,000 different directions. For example...while we were at a pool recently and I was watching the kids. My thoughts immediately flew to “what would it be like if Ezra was here?” “What would he like/dislike?” Or “Last time we were here E was…” all while having a conversation. I will also find kids around that are around the age Ezra would be AND the age he was when he died and watch all their behaviors. It happens unconsciously and so far has been impossible to stop . It is everywhere, all the time. 😔😔 5. Anxiety is INTENSE. It is immobilizing. I forced myself through every single uncomfortable situation I could to get it over with as soon as I could. I remember the feelings of complete terror, dread, the shaking, and the feelings of passing out. The rock in the stomach. The nausea. It felt like my entire body was screaming. The first time we went to our small group without Ezra, I literally had to remind myself to breathe. But I forced myself through the anxiety. Through the terror. I refused to let it rule over me and my family. And once you go through the 1st time somewhere, the second time is not near as bad. Victory. ❤️ 6. No one has the same grief. No one. No one has the the same triggers. No one has the same memories. No one has the reaction. Sheesh. That clears it right up! There needs to be a TON of grace here. 7. We are the *shocker* family. 😳We are the people who make you uncomfortable. I never aimed to be this way. Ever. Honestly, we were kind of forced here. But we shock every new person we meet. We will always talk about Ezra. We talk about death. We talk about dead people as if they are in the other room. It is reality to us. 🙃🙃 8. Death is uncomfortable for people.. If I could think of a stronger word than uncomfortable, I would switch it out in a heartbeat. Good news...death is NOT contagious. We, the Smiths, are the reminders of what could happen. It’s scary. It’s not controllable. Some people can’t deal with this. I get it. (this might have even been me before Ezra died.) 9. Every single human will have hard times in life. Everyone. As Americans we shy away, but really that is when we should press in. Circle the wagons. Be the village. I didn’t realize this before, but generally we have difficulty with grief. We don’t like things to be uncomfortable, awkward or difficult. Even though we know that the BEST things in life come after a struggle, we still steer clear of those situations if we can. I will do better. Each one of you are worth it. 💎 10. Make every effort to be present at the big events in the the lives of those you love. It is THAT important. We had gotten lax with this. We got wrapped up in our own circus that lived at our house. It is easy to do. But life is not about just us. Life is to be shared with others. And as a side note….try to remember important dates...like plug birthdays, anniversaries,Heaven days, baptism days etc into your phone calendar. It takes so little time to let your love ones know you are thinking about them! ❤️👍❤️ 11. Take photos and videos. 🎥 You don’t have to print them or even share them on Facebook. 😜 Just take them. Seeing photos of Ezra helps me. It reminds me that I am not crazy. He was here. A very important part of our lives. AND pictures also preserve memories that might be forgotten otherwise. Some of my favorite pictures are a little blurry...but they remind me of the speed of a toddler 😂 12. I can get through big events….but afterwards (the days after), I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Emotionally, I have no energy at all. Zip. Zilch. The amount of energy it takes to do normal life is staggering sometimes. The amount of energy big events take=everything I have. (hopefully that changes) 13. Practical lesson….Do not start a text with “I know you must be having a terrible day..” this might be totally true, but if the person is having an ok day up to that point...now they feel guilty or just have a flashback/memory that will send them in a different emotional direction. Instead try something like…”I’m thinking about you. How are you doing today?” Give the grieving person the opportunity to share if they want to. 😀 14. Don’t say, “Call me if you need anything!” I know that your heart is gold here but honestly we will not call. We will not even remember that you said that down the road when we need something. 😳 That is the truth. Instead, it was SUPER helpful when someone would text and say, “I am bringing dinner. Does Tuesday or Wednesday work best?” (All I had to do is respond with a day and a thank you. Not a lot of thinking and or planning) OR “Can I come pick up the kids on Wednesday for the afternoon?” (That is yes or no. Easy peasy.) OR “I’m on your side of town, can I bring you a drink? Or pick something up from the grocery store for you?” (yes or no...perfect) Hopefully this helps. It helps me to know what is best. It is also good for after someone has a baby! ❤️😀 15. Not everyone will walk the road with you. Truthfully, not everyone can. People you thought would be there are not. And some others just step right in the muck with you unexpectedly. 😍 Those who walk through the crap with you, they have a special place in your heart forever. 💙💙 16. My foundation is solid. It is firm. No matter how much came crashing down on it, it held. So all the reading, praying, praising, learning, stretching, and growing you are doing is not in vain. His word is true. He is near to the brokenhearted. (so near) 💔 Joy comes in the morning. 🌈 In this world you will have trouble. (John 16;33) He has overcome the world. ✝️ I don’t have ALL the answers. I don’t even have most of the answers, but I know who I put my hope in. 17. When the flashbacks, dark thoughts, fears, anxiety come, I turn on the praise music as loud as possible. 🎶🎶 Like really loud. So loud that I can not even think… Ha! Turn my eyes back to the truth I know. Restart. ✝️💙 Bonus: We are so incredibly thankful for all of you. The way you have come beside us and supported us has been phenomenal. We will never ever ever forget it. Thank you. ❤️💙❤️💙#MissYouE.

17 Months...

Happy happy 17 months in Heaven Ezra! Sweet boy we miss you so much. We talk about you every single day. We think about you every single day. You are never out of our minds. If it is possible for us to miss you more now than we did at the beginning, it is happening. There is a reminder of you every place I look, everywhere we go. You are so much a part of us..we just can't see you right now. Love you SO much my sweet boy! We are one month closer to seeing you again. ❤️❤️❤️ Friends, I have a post rolling around in my mind, in my heart to share. But to be perfectly honest, I am just exhausted. I haven't had the time or the energy to sit down and get it out. So maybe tomorrow. For now I just want to look at some pictures of my baby because we miss him so much. Enjoy!

16 Months...

Hey sweet boy! 💙 Happy 16 months in Heaven. I know I say this every month, but I can hardly believe it has been SIXTEEN months since I held you. 16 months since I sang to you. 16 months since I changed your diaper. 16 months since I searched the entire house for a pacifier. 16 months since I daily searched the trash to see what treasures you had stashed in there. 16 months since I heard your laugh and your squeal. 16 months since our family was whole. 16 months since my heart was whole. Which is a very wordy way to say...you are SO SO missed and SO SO loved. ❤️💙❤️💙 I just want you to know little one...you got the better end of this bargain. 😜 You only knew love. You only knew adoration. You only knew safety. And then you went straight to Heaven. HEAVEN. You never knew uncertainty. You never knew loss. You never knew heartbreak. You never knew bullying. Or debt. Or evil. And I am happy about that for you! But....selfishly...... I miss you for me. 💔💔 Love you so so much, Mom **This morning I had an hour and a half drive alone. (Moms...seriously... isn't this amazing??!!). I decided to get ahead of my emotions for the day. I put the praise music on as loud as I wanted and reminded myself of THE truth. I just wanted to share the song that resonated so deeply with me: ⚓️ "Anchor” ⚓️ by Hillsong I have this hope As an anchor for my soul Through every storm I will hold to You With endless love All my fear is swept away In everything I will trust in You There is hope in the promise of the cross You gave everything to save the world You love And this hope is an anchor for my soul Our God will stand Unshakeable Unchanging One You who was and is to come Your promise sure You will not let go Your Name is higher Your Name is greater All my hope is in You Your word unfailing Your promise unshaken All my hope is in You **Thank you LORD for your word and for your promises. They are UNFAILING and UNSHAKEN and my HOPE is fully in YOU. ❤️⚓️

15 Months

Here it is..the first of the month again. Happy 15 months in Heaven little man! It is unfathomable that you have been gone from my arms this long! Daddy and I have been talking the last couple weeks about this. We miss you so much. It’s hard to explain how we miss you the most. Sometimes we remember that you are gone. Sometimes it seems like you are just out on an adventure with a grandparent and will be back soon. Because surely these memories, more like nightmares, are someone else’s life. Surely MY son did not die. But you did. You are in Heaven and we are stuck here. Izzy has started asking me if we can go back in time just to play and see you again….sheesh. I wish it was that simple. I also wish they gave day passes to Heaven. The desire I have to hold you is crazy intense. Realizing how long it will be till I get to do so is staggering. So just know Ezra, you are LOVED more than you could ever know. Your life down here is still making a difference. We are better “humans” (as Israel likes to say) because we had the chance to love you. Knowing the end, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Love you so much E Friends..to be honest this month has been completly exhausting. I don’t know if I can accurately discribe how much so. Every day is a mental battle. I have a choice to get up and live or not. But it is just not one little decision. Thoughts bombard me from all sides. If we,as a family, go do someting fun, I am happy. While we are having fun, I think of how E might have enjoyed this adventure. I think of things I think he would like. I think of things he would dislike. I think of how easy it is to get out of the house with older kids. I think of how that would be different if he was still with us. I think of how much the girls miss each having a brother to pair up with. I think of how much Israel misses his brother. When the hostess asks us how many, I think 6...but say 5. I watch Izzy find every little boy around the age of 2 and engage with them…..everywhere. I think about what our circus would look like right now. You wouldn’t know it by just looking at us, but we aren’t completely whole. One of us resides in Heaven. That sounds good, but it is hard to walk out sometimes. Sometimes, I am just tired. There are so many things I am thankful for. When the bone weary tired hits, I turn to music. Some of my very favorite lyrics speak straight to me: “Tearing through the night Riding on the storm Staring down the fight My eyes found Yours Shining like the sun Striding through my fear The Prince of peace met me there You heard my prayer” THIS is the only reason we are still living. Jesus strides right through my fear, and gives me peace. And if that wasn’t enough….which it is…. “Your love surrounds me when my thoughts wage war When night screams terror, there Your voice will roar Come death or shadow, God I know Your light will meet me there When fear comes knocking, there You'll be my guard When day breeds trouble, there You'll hold my heart Come storm or battle, God I know Your peace will meet me there” Prince of Peace by Hillsong I don’t know the back story to this song. I know I could look it up, but in my mind it is written for me. Every single part. All of it. About a week after E died I started saying “thank you God that you are holding our hearts while we heal” in our prayers. Every night I said it. It just bubbled out from somewhere deep inside. This song startled me when it used the exact phrase “hold my heart”. (Kim Walker Smith uses the same phrase also in “Rise” on her new FABULOUS album….but that is for another time) I actually had to turn the song off because I was driving and my tears were coming.hard and fast. He meets me right where I am. He holds my heart as I heal. And He surrounds me when my thoughts wage war. He alone gives me the peace I need to keep on and even to live victorious. So thank you Hillsong...for writing a song for me. It settles something deep inside me, and leads my mind back to the truth. Thank you Lord that you are faithful. #MissYouE Edit

14 Months

Hey sweet boy. Happy 14 months in Heaven! We are one more month closer to seeing you. Sheesh...I miss you so much. The gaping hole in our family is more painful this year for some reason. I am guessing that the sheer fortitude and energy we spent getting through all the “1st without you” (birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, vacation, first time to go to our favorite places,etc) temporarily blinded us. Last year we focused on each day. Getting through each new first without you. Spending SO much time helping your siblings process. We lived in the moment, in the what do we need to deal with next. This year...it is different. This year the reality of being without you for the rest of our lives is setting in. Not just one year...but every year you will be missing down here. Every holiday. Every birthday. Every vacation. Every single night I long to hold you. You are SO loved. You are SO missed. This month I write to you from a hotel room in New York. We came to the first ever SUDC Conference. Last night I met face to face with the SUDC foundation staff that have walked beside us the past 14 months. The faces behind the emails and the calls, that skillfully navigated us through the darkest and most confusing nights. (Forever thankful) Last night I met face to face other Mommas that walk the same road I do. It is both amazing and devastating to be in a room like this. Knowing that EVERYONE around you has lost their precious child is overwhelming. BUT it is also wonderful to meet those who have encouraged you from afar. My heart is strengthened watching others, a little farther down the road, live bravely and make a difference in the world. So, Ezra, I met some incredible people last night, and I will meet some more today. I met the families of all your Heaven friends. ❤️ Oh the fun you must be having together! Love you forever. #MissYouE — with Ella Bebow Shelton.

13 Months...

Apr 01, 2017 8:50pm 'I miss you so much Ezra! I know you MUST know HOW incredibly LOVED you are! How we miss you each and every day. All day long. It does not compute in my mind that you could actually have been gone for 13 months. 13 months. I wonder what you are doing all the time. I wonder about all the little details that only moms think about. Who are you with? What are your favorite things right now? What foods do you love? Since Heaven probably doesn't have diapers...how exactly does that work? Do you even have to go potty in Heaven? So many questions...that are just all different ways to say I miss you. I miss everything. Every time I see your sweet cousin Abigail, I think of you. I see her talk, sing, dance, play, and ALL I can think of is that is what you would be doing. And you would just be the best of friends. <3 There are lots of sweet cousins that were born last year around this time. They are all right at a year old. When I see them, I see YOU. They are in the “I am now mobile and I can/will get into anything in less than 5 seconds stage!” This is the stage your were in when you left us. It's so hard to watch them growing and doing the last things I remember you doing. Wish you were here with them wreaking havoc! ❤️ I miss you E. The missing you will never ever stop. I know that. Love you so so much! We made it through the first month of the second year. I wish I could say it was easier. I really feel like we just trudged through it. Like on each and every step I picked my foot up just high enough to clear the quicksand that was waiting to suck us in. I honestly thought that this past month would be WAY easier. It just wasn’t. I am still hopeful that this month has been a fluke and lighter days are coming, but not too hopeful. We are not dealing with the shock, despair and raw wounds from last April. Grief seems to have taken on a different form lately. Now it is a heaviness. It is a reality. I was so proud that of us for making it through the first year . All the incredibly awkward conversations “Where's the baby?” “How many kids do you have?” ✅ All the firsts without him ✅ 7,898 of the hardest, most gut wrenching conversations I've ever had with my kiddos AND with everyone else. ✅ All the tears. ✅ But now my mind goes different directions…. Yes, we have one year down. But how many more do we have to go? 40 more years? Oh my goodness...I cannot even fathom. Doing what we did this past year 40 more times? How? Some days, I used every single ounce of energy I had to get through the day. Not just some days...most days. I feel like I have been living in perpetual exhaustion. Mind AND body...sometimes even down to my soul. Spent and empty. This verse runs through my mind often (as an acapella song I learned 25 years ago) “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."” ‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-24‬ ‭ I am thankful He loves me when I am empty. He is faithful. When I am shaky, He is not. And when all I can do is crawl into bed bone-weary at the end of the day… He’s got me there too. His mercies are new EVERY morning. Amen. #MissYouE' I miss you so much Ezra! I know you MUST know HOW incredibly LOVED you are! How we miss you each and every day. All day long. It does not compute in my mind that you could actually have been gone for 13 months. 13 months. I wonder what you are doing all the time. I wonder about all the little details that only moms think about. Who are you with? What are your favorite things right now? What foods do you love? Since Heaven probably doesn't have diapers...how exactly does that work? Do you even have to go potty in Heaven? So many questions...that are just all different ways to say I miss you. I miss everything. Every time I see your sweet cousin Abigail, I think of you. I see her talk, sing, dance, play, and ALL I can think of is that is what you would be doing. And you would just be the best of friends. <3 There are lots of sweet cousins that were born last year around this time. They are all right at a year old. When I see them, I see YOU. They are in the “I am now mobile and I can/will get into anything in less than 5 seconds stage!” This is the stage your were in when you left us. It's so hard to watch them growing and doing the last things I remember you doing. Wish you were here with them wreaking havoc! ❤️ I miss you E. The missing you will never ever stop. I know that. Love you so so much! We made it through the first month of the second year. I wish I could say it was easier. I really feel like we just trudged through it. Like on each and every step I picked my foot up just high enough to clear the quicksand that was waiting to suck us in. I honestly thought that this past month would be WAY easier. It just wasn’t. I am still hopeful that this month has been a fluke and lighter days are coming, but not too hopeful. We are not dealing with the shock, despair and raw wounds from last April. Grief seems to have taken on a different form lately. Now it is a heaviness. It is a reality. I was so proud that of us for making it through the first year . All the incredibly awkward conversations “Where's the baby?” “How many kids do you have?” ✅ All the firsts without him ✅ 7,898 of the hardest, most gut wrenching conversations I've ever had with my kiddos AND with everyone else. ✅ All the tears. ✅ But now my mind goes different directions…. Yes, we have one year down. But how many more do we have to go? 40 more years? Oh my goodness...I cannot even fathom. Doing what we did this past year 40 more times? How? Some days, I used every single ounce of energy I had to get through the day. Not just some days...most days. I feel like I have been living in perpetual exhaustion. Mind AND body...sometimes even down to my soul. Spent and empty. This verse runs through my mind often (as an acapella song I learned 25 years ago) “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."” ‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-24‬ ‭ I am thankful He loves me when I am empty. He is faithful. When I am shaky, He is not. And when all I can do is crawl into bed bone-weary at the end of the day… He’s got me there too. His mercies are new EVERY morning. Amen. #MissYouE

12 Months ... Year One

Hey son. Sweet E-baby. Happy Heaven day sweet boy! How in the world has it been 365 days since I have held you in my arms? A year. Currently i am sitting in the same chair that I was sitting in when your Dad and I told your siblings that you were no longer alive here on Earth. It wasn’t pretty. In fact it was oh so terrible. No one prepares for that. There is not a manual. Last March 1st began as a normal day...a day that was running WAY smoother than usual. I actually remember thinking, “This day is going perfectly” as we prepared to wake you and go out to eat. Needless to say I didn’t eat that day. My “perfect” day turned into a nightmare you only hear about. Going in to wake you from your nap is where normal ended. The call to 911 . The CPR. The faces of your siblings. When they FINALLY let me see you, you looked so perfect. Just like you were sleeping. I tried to memorize every single thing about you. I rubbed your feet. I stared at your sweet little toes. I held your hand. I rubbed your chubby little fingers. Trying to etch into my mind every detail. You looked so so small on that big table. I fixed your hair. I rubbed your cheeks. I kissed your forehead. I soaked you in as much as I knew how. Surrounded by friends, family and policemen...I only had eyes for you. How was it possible that I was going to walking out of that hospital without you? People were throwing around words like timeline, video, interviews, autopsy, and investigation while I am just trying to figure out if I had enough physical strength to walk out of the hospital. But, here we are. We are still standing. I have to tell you little man...you are getting the BETTER end of this deal. WAY BETTER. We miss you so much. There is an enormous hole in our lives where you were. There is so much healing that we are working through. Meanwhile, you are dancing with Jesus. You are eating, playing, exploring, worshipping, laughing, entertaining, and I hope still waddling : ) I pray you are proud of us. We are doing the extremely hard work of healing and living. The work of choosing to live & love, not just survive. We will have pain if we just try to survive OR if we choose to live. It’s the same amount of pain. So if we have to have pain, we choose to live. And sometimes we have to choose to live again and again. You are so worth it. We love you, E. This week we have been celebrating your 1 year in Heaven, with 1 week of Kindness. (I would rather be throwing you an elaborate birthday party, but I am working with what I’ve got : )) Can you see? I sure hope so. So many people volunteered to help us celebrate. Acts of kindness are being performed all over. People are being blessed. The best part about it is that kindness is contagious. You never know how one act of kindness can reach a person. I pray that this little Kindness week blesses thousands of people. We are ONE YEAR closer to you. We are better people because you were here. We love more. We forgive quicker. We let way more things go…(because some things are just not important) We dream of Heaven. We are less attached to this world. We feel other’s pain and we are willing to walk through it with them. Thank you sweet boy, for teaching us such big lessons in 15 months! I love you Ezra. Thank you friends for your steadfast friendship. We are beyond thankful. The most heartbreaking thing about being one year in this process is the realization that it is only ONE year. That all the work you did to get through this first year, you will have to do it again and again and again. Year after year….until it is your time to go. That thought alone is slightly overwhelming. It makes me want to lay down and sleep for a week or three. We are relying heavily on the fact that “His grace is sufficient in our weakness.” We are relying heavily on the promise that “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” And when the days are so dark…. “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion say my soul Therefore I will trust in Him. “ <3 ♥♥