14 Months

Hey sweet boy. Happy 14 months in Heaven! We are one more month closer to seeing you. Sheesh...I miss you so much. The gaping hole in our family is more painful this year for some reason. I am guessing that the sheer fortitude and energy we spent getting through all the “1st without you” (birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, vacation, first time to go to our favorite places,etc) temporarily blinded us. Last year we focused on each day. Getting through each new first without you. Spending SO much time helping your siblings process. We lived in the moment, in the what do we need to deal with next. This year...it is different. This year the reality of being without you for the rest of our lives is setting in. Not just one year...but every year you will be missing down here. Every holiday. Every birthday. Every vacation. Every single night I long to hold you. You are SO loved. You are SO missed. This month I write to you from a hotel room in New York. We came to the first ever SUDC Conference. Last night I met face to face with the SUDC foundation staff that have walked beside us the past 14 months. The faces behind the emails and the calls, that skillfully navigated us through the darkest and most confusing nights. (Forever thankful) Last night I met face to face other Mommas that walk the same road I do. It is both amazing and devastating to be in a room like this. Knowing that EVERYONE around you has lost their precious child is overwhelming. BUT it is also wonderful to meet those who have encouraged you from afar. My heart is strengthened watching others, a little farther down the road, live bravely and make a difference in the world. So, Ezra, I met some incredible people last night, and I will meet some more today. I met the families of all your Heaven friends. ❤️ Oh the fun you must be having together! Love you forever. #MissYouE — with Ella Bebow Shelton.

13 Months...

Apr 01, 2017 8:50pm 'I miss you so much Ezra! I know you MUST know HOW incredibly LOVED you are! How we miss you each and every day. All day long. It does not compute in my mind that you could actually have been gone for 13 months. 13 months. I wonder what you are doing all the time. I wonder about all the little details that only moms think about. Who are you with? What are your favorite things right now? What foods do you love? Since Heaven probably doesn't have diapers...how exactly does that work? Do you even have to go potty in Heaven? So many questions...that are just all different ways to say I miss you. I miss everything. Every time I see your sweet cousin Abigail, I think of you. I see her talk, sing, dance, play, and ALL I can think of is that is what you would be doing. And you would just be the best of friends. <3 There are lots of sweet cousins that were born last year around this time. They are all right at a year old. When I see them, I see YOU. They are in the “I am now mobile and I can/will get into anything in less than 5 seconds stage!” This is the stage your were in when you left us. It's so hard to watch them growing and doing the last things I remember you doing. Wish you were here with them wreaking havoc! ❤️ I miss you E. The missing you will never ever stop. I know that. Love you so so much! We made it through the first month of the second year. I wish I could say it was easier. I really feel like we just trudged through it. Like on each and every step I picked my foot up just high enough to clear the quicksand that was waiting to suck us in. I honestly thought that this past month would be WAY easier. It just wasn’t. I am still hopeful that this month has been a fluke and lighter days are coming, but not too hopeful. We are not dealing with the shock, despair and raw wounds from last April. Grief seems to have taken on a different form lately. Now it is a heaviness. It is a reality. I was so proud that of us for making it through the first year . All the incredibly awkward conversations “Where's the baby?” “How many kids do you have?” ✅ All the firsts without him ✅ 7,898 of the hardest, most gut wrenching conversations I've ever had with my kiddos AND with everyone else. ✅ All the tears. ✅ But now my mind goes different directions…. Yes, we have one year down. But how many more do we have to go? 40 more years? Oh my goodness...I cannot even fathom. Doing what we did this past year 40 more times? How? Some days, I used every single ounce of energy I had to get through the day. Not just some days...most days. I feel like I have been living in perpetual exhaustion. Mind AND body...sometimes even down to my soul. Spent and empty. This verse runs through my mind often (as an acapella song I learned 25 years ago) “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."” ‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-24‬ ‭ I am thankful He loves me when I am empty. He is faithful. When I am shaky, He is not. And when all I can do is crawl into bed bone-weary at the end of the day… He’s got me there too. His mercies are new EVERY morning. Amen. #MissYouE' I miss you so much Ezra! I know you MUST know HOW incredibly LOVED you are! How we miss you each and every day. All day long. It does not compute in my mind that you could actually have been gone for 13 months. 13 months. I wonder what you are doing all the time. I wonder about all the little details that only moms think about. Who are you with? What are your favorite things right now? What foods do you love? Since Heaven probably doesn't have diapers...how exactly does that work? Do you even have to go potty in Heaven? So many questions...that are just all different ways to say I miss you. I miss everything. Every time I see your sweet cousin Abigail, I think of you. I see her talk, sing, dance, play, and ALL I can think of is that is what you would be doing. And you would just be the best of friends. <3 There are lots of sweet cousins that were born last year around this time. They are all right at a year old. When I see them, I see YOU. They are in the “I am now mobile and I can/will get into anything in less than 5 seconds stage!” This is the stage your were in when you left us. It's so hard to watch them growing and doing the last things I remember you doing. Wish you were here with them wreaking havoc! ❤️ I miss you E. The missing you will never ever stop. I know that. Love you so so much! We made it through the first month of the second year. I wish I could say it was easier. I really feel like we just trudged through it. Like on each and every step I picked my foot up just high enough to clear the quicksand that was waiting to suck us in. I honestly thought that this past month would be WAY easier. It just wasn’t. I am still hopeful that this month has been a fluke and lighter days are coming, but not too hopeful. We are not dealing with the shock, despair and raw wounds from last April. Grief seems to have taken on a different form lately. Now it is a heaviness. It is a reality. I was so proud that of us for making it through the first year . All the incredibly awkward conversations “Where's the baby?” “How many kids do you have?” ✅ All the firsts without him ✅ 7,898 of the hardest, most gut wrenching conversations I've ever had with my kiddos AND with everyone else. ✅ All the tears. ✅ But now my mind goes different directions…. Yes, we have one year down. But how many more do we have to go? 40 more years? Oh my goodness...I cannot even fathom. Doing what we did this past year 40 more times? How? Some days, I used every single ounce of energy I had to get through the day. Not just some days...most days. I feel like I have been living in perpetual exhaustion. Mind AND body...sometimes even down to my soul. Spent and empty. This verse runs through my mind often (as an acapella song I learned 25 years ago) “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."” ‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-24‬ ‭ I am thankful He loves me when I am empty. He is faithful. When I am shaky, He is not. And when all I can do is crawl into bed bone-weary at the end of the day… He’s got me there too. His mercies are new EVERY morning. Amen. #MissYouE

12 Months ... Year One

Hey son. Sweet E-baby. Happy Heaven day sweet boy! How in the world has it been 365 days since I have held you in my arms? A year. Currently i am sitting in the same chair that I was sitting in when your Dad and I told your siblings that you were no longer alive here on Earth. It wasn’t pretty. In fact it was oh so terrible. No one prepares for that. There is not a manual. Last March 1st began as a normal day...a day that was running WAY smoother than usual. I actually remember thinking, “This day is going perfectly” as we prepared to wake you and go out to eat. Needless to say I didn’t eat that day. My “perfect” day turned into a nightmare you only hear about. Going in to wake you from your nap is where normal ended. The call to 911 . The CPR. The faces of your siblings. When they FINALLY let me see you, you looked so perfect. Just like you were sleeping. I tried to memorize every single thing about you. I rubbed your feet. I stared at your sweet little toes. I held your hand. I rubbed your chubby little fingers. Trying to etch into my mind every detail. You looked so so small on that big table. I fixed your hair. I rubbed your cheeks. I kissed your forehead. I soaked you in as much as I knew how. Surrounded by friends, family and policemen...I only had eyes for you. How was it possible that I was going to walking out of that hospital without you? People were throwing around words like timeline, video, interviews, autopsy, and investigation while I am just trying to figure out if I had enough physical strength to walk out of the hospital. But, here we are. We are still standing. I have to tell you little man...you are getting the BETTER end of this deal. WAY BETTER. We miss you so much. There is an enormous hole in our lives where you were. There is so much healing that we are working through. Meanwhile, you are dancing with Jesus. You are eating, playing, exploring, worshipping, laughing, entertaining, and I hope still waddling : ) I pray you are proud of us. We are doing the extremely hard work of healing and living. The work of choosing to live & love, not just survive. We will have pain if we just try to survive OR if we choose to live. It’s the same amount of pain. So if we have to have pain, we choose to live. And sometimes we have to choose to live again and again. You are so worth it. We love you, E. This week we have been celebrating your 1 year in Heaven, with 1 week of Kindness. (I would rather be throwing you an elaborate birthday party, but I am working with what I’ve got : )) Can you see? I sure hope so. So many people volunteered to help us celebrate. Acts of kindness are being performed all over. People are being blessed. The best part about it is that kindness is contagious. You never know how one act of kindness can reach a person. I pray that this little Kindness week blesses thousands of people. We are ONE YEAR closer to you. We are better people because you were here. We love more. We forgive quicker. We let way more things go…(because some things are just not important) We dream of Heaven. We are less attached to this world. We feel other’s pain and we are willing to walk through it with them. Thank you sweet boy, for teaching us such big lessons in 15 months! I love you Ezra. Thank you friends for your steadfast friendship. We are beyond thankful. The most heartbreaking thing about being one year in this process is the realization that it is only ONE year. That all the work you did to get through this first year, you will have to do it again and again and again. Year after year….until it is your time to go. That thought alone is slightly overwhelming. It makes me want to lay down and sleep for a week or three. We are relying heavily on the fact that “His grace is sufficient in our weakness.” We are relying heavily on the promise that “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” And when the days are so dark…. “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion say my soul Therefore I will trust in Him. “ <3 ♥♥

Random Acts of Kindness for Ezra 2017

WE FINALLY FIGURED OUT what we want to do to celebrate Ezra's 1 year in Heaven. Will you please join us?? Please read below and help us celebrate!
In honor of Ezra being in Heaven 1 Year, we are celebrating with 1 week of Kindness.
We will be doing acts of kindness for the whole week. February 26th- March 4th. With special emphasis on March 1st of course!
How can you help? Please do an act of kindness (or many) in honor of Ezra during this week! They can be simple or complex...whatever you want to do! When you do your act of kindness, please give them one of the “Ezra Cards” So Easy! My dream is that together we do hundreds of acts of kindness that week! The world needs some kindness! What better way to honor someone...than to bless someone else in their name!

One of the reasons we settled on Acts of Kindness is because we wanted to be able to involve our kiddos! So, please, involve the kids! They will often lead the way with their tender hearts!
Please text Michelle or write on Michelle’s FB wall or the Eating4Ezra FB page with pictures or just with what you did. I am so excited to see how we can bring joy to others, and celebrate Ezra at the same time : )
If you want Ezra Cards, please comment below...I can deliver You some, mail you some, or just send you the file to print for yourself.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SUPPORTING US, WALKING WITH US, AND LOVING US!

Happy happy 11 months in Heaven Ezra!

Happy happy 11 months in Heaven Ezra!  You have been in Heaven for  337 days.  337.  Wow. Does it feel like just a blink to you too?  What are you doing?  Who are you with today?  What are you eating?  What are your favorite things?  Do you have a favorite color?  What does your voice sound like?  Do you still waddle or do you sprint from one thing to another?  Do you talk nonstop like I think you would?  What is your favorite song? What are your talents? Do your grandparents/great grandparents/cousins read books to you?  Do you have one particular favorite food or is it still pretty much all food is your favorite?  Do you and Grandpere look like twins….my guess is yes, but I long to see you two together! A million questions fly through my brain.   No answers. 11 months ago I knew the answers to ALL of these questions.  All of them.  I so wish I could see you or even just spy on you for an hour or two.  Just to see you.  Take in every single detail.  Breathe you in.  When I think about how long I have till I see you again….that’s when it is completely overwhelming.  How am I supposed to make it that long without seeing your sweet face? How have we even made it 337 days without you?  Grace.  Only grace.  Today your sisters and I were doing a devotional and the message was not a mistake.

“The future is like a huge mountain looming in front of you.  It’s peaks are spiked with troubles, and its sides are pitted with problems.  How can you face something so huge?

The real trouble is not the mountain-it’s that your’e looking ONLY at the mountain.  And because you aren’t looking at where you're going right now, you stumble on the easy path of today.

I know how much that future mountain worries you.  But it may not even be part of our path.  You don’t know what will happen today, much less tomorrow.  I may suddenly turn you away from the mountain, or show you an easier path.  But I promise that IF I ask you to climb that mountain, I will give you everything you need to reach the top.  My angels will protect you.  And I will be right by your side every step of the way. “  Jesus Calling Kids  February 1st

One step at a time.  Doing only what is asked of me this day is how I will make it.  Not looking at th 50-60 years in front of me without you.  Thinking of eternity with you..yes.  

Matthew 6:34 So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Amen.  Living in the here and now.  Standing on His promises.  Covered in prayers of friends and family.  Hoping in the Lord and renewing our strength (Isaiah 40:31)  Digging deeper in the Word.  Walking by Faith, not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7)  This is how we will live.  How we will continue to walk till we see you again.

I love you so much my sweet boy!  There is NO other place (besides my arms) I would want you to be than in Heaven with Jesus.  Have so much fun little one.  Explore all the places you can.  Learn your favorite things.  Be taught by the wise, strong, faithful that are there.  Because WHEN I get there….I will want to know EVERYTHING you have learned.  I will want to go ALL the places.  Eat all the special food you love.  Dance your favorite dances.  See your favorite animals.  And 30 zillion kisses and hugs are coming at you.  You’ve been warned!  I love you Ezra. #MissYouE

Jesus, all the words of thankfulness I have will never even be a drop in the bucket of how thankful I am for Heaven.  I spend time trying to imagine how you did what you did for me.  How you walked blameless.  How you knew how terrible it would be AND did it anyway.  How deep your love runs for me.   Thank you for Heaven Jesus.  Thank you for forgiveness.  With all that I am, for as long as I live, I will praise you.  When it hurts, I will praise you.  When times are good, I will praise you.  When life goes upside down, I will praise you.  And forever and ever, I will praise you.  You are worthy.

Grief Snapshots: ( I only know what grief & healing looks like in this house at 11 months.)

Healing doesn’t look the same from day to day.  When you see us out and about...most times you would never know that we are incomplete.  We look normal (well..you know..as close as we can).   You can’t see heartache on the outside.  Sometimes we are faking.  Sometimes things are good.  Sometimes we are just doing what needs to be done.  Sometimes we cry a lot.  Sometimes we don’t.  Cleared things right up didn’t it?

Healing looks like a full on physical body shut down when your MIL calls telling you your son will need stitches. (He was out of town with her)

Healing  looks like midnight crying visits from your 9 year old daughter who desperately misses her roommate.  Who misses her buddy.   

Healing looks like your five year old looking your straight in the eye and asking, “Ok Mommy, when is Ezra going to actually come back?”  Ugh.

Healing looks like waking each of your children up only one time each night (on purpose) to make sure they are still breathing…..instead of the 399 times you want to.  Trusting.

Healing looks like high strung emotions by multiple family members, OR I don’t care about anything today.

Healing is exhausting.  I don’t know how to explain how completely exhausted we are after a “normal day”.  It is a hard work, but worthy of all the energy.

Happy New Year! 10 Months away

Happy New Year Ezra!!  We miss you sweet boy. I was just looking back at pictures from last Christmas. My mind imagines what you would have been like this year at all the family celebrations.  You left a gaping hole down here.  Though I miss you more than I ever thought possible, I know you are in good hands.  You reached the goal so much sooner than expected. Today, my son, we are 10 months closer to seeing you again.  You better get ready, because the kisses, hugs, snuggles, and attention we have be unable to give you this past year…..will come out!  Think tidal wave : )   My precious one, we adore you still.  We talk of you every day.  You are not forgotten and you are SOOO loved.  Enjoy 2017 in Heaven baby boy! #MissYouE

Well, we did it.  We finished the year of 2016. We made it through ALL the family gatherings, all the opening of presents, family photos, and triggers.  We walked through all the things.  We are on the other side of the holidays.  Easy...no.  Completed...YES.  The past two months have been like a sprint.  We have had….2 Eating 4 Ezra events in two separate towns, Ezra’s 2nd birthday, Thanksgiving, and then 4 family Christmases.  Whew.  That is 8 firsts in 60 days. That is not an easy road.  That is a HARD road.  They are behind us now.   

Emotionally exhausted in ways I do not know how to describe.  Empty down to the core.  “Dig deep” is a phrase we practice every day.  So we will take a little time and refuel.  Recharge for the next thing.  (Psalm 23:3)

 I had mixed feelings saying goodbye to 2016….ecstatic and MORE Ecstatic!   Seriously...this year has been a doozy.  Not just for the Smiths.

In 2016 we...

*Ezra unexpectedly went to Heaven

*Planned a funeral for our baby

*Picked out a plot for Ezra

*Read my 1st and (PLEASE GOD) last autopsy report for a child.

*Walked and sometimes trudged through the valley of death.

BUT also in 2016

*our friends said goodbye to their babies without even getting to hold them.

*our friend said goodbye to  her Daddy way too young.

*our friend said goodbye to  her Momma.

*our friend said goodbye to  her nephew unexpectedly.

*our friend said goodbye to  his wife.

*our friend were forced to say goodbye to the toddler they were adopting.

*our friend was diagnosed with cancer

*our friend said goodbye to her daughter who had cancer.

*So many more hardships that landed so close to us this year.

SO 2016...Good-bye...Don’t let it hit you on the way out.

In 2017 I pledge to..

Love more intentionally.

Dig deep into the Word.

Extend more grace.

Pray more.

Use my words to encourage and build up.

Continue to do the hard and uncomfortable things.

Hold tight to the things most important to me.

Let go of the things that are not important.

Stand on all the promises God has for me.

2017...never in my life have I been more ready for a new year!  I am ready for a year of abundant life. Bring it on.

Happy 9 months in Heaven Ezra!

Happy 9 months in Heaven Ezra! 276 days since I have held you and kissed your sweet face.

23,846,400 seconds
397,440 minutes
6624 hours
276 days
39 weeks and 3 days
75.41% of 2016

When you break it down into numbers, it is staggering to me how long you have been in Heaven. I feel your absence everyday. I think about how things would be different with you here. I think about what you would be doing. I look at other two year olds and smile (and then cry later) at all the fun learning they are doing. 😢

Today I just wanted to stay in bed. I wanted to pull the covers up over my head and not even attempt today.

Under the covers it is quiet.

Under the covers it is comfortable.

Under the covers it is warm.

Under the covers is a haven.

BUT I promised you I would be a better person in any and every way I can think of.

AND your brother wanted breakfast. 😜

And, as I am coming to find out,life is not quiet.

Life is NOT comfortable.

Life is not warm and cozy.

Life is not a haven.

We were unprepared for your Earthly departure. There were no clues, no warning signs, no sickness. Nothing. We blinked. In that blink you were gone, and we were hurled off a cliff. I'm not sure where we landed, but it is foreign territory. This land is uncomfortable. It is not routine. This land is like going through an obstacle course you've never seen before….blindfolded. We know there is no way through it but forward. We can't see what's ahead. We trust that there is good ahead.

We walk one step at a time..searching for solid footing. Finding our footing, we take another step.

Sometimes there are several steps forward in a row.

Sometimes we fall onto an obstacle.

Sometimes we fall off an obstacle.

Sometimes we fail an obstacle.

But each time, we get back up and go again.

And we will keep getting up.

Life is not quiet BUT “He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul.” Psalm 23:3

Life is uncomfortable BUT He is the “God of all comfort.”

AND if I know that "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.” (Isaiah 43:2)

AND if I know that “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)

THEN

I can stand in uncomfortable places,do uncomfortable things, have really uncomfortable conversations, and take another step.

BECAUSE

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John‬ ‭3:16‬)

I will see you again my sweet boy! I will see you forever. ❤️❤️

So this is a really long way to tell you I didn't stay in bed.

-We “helped” Daddy do some jobs on the road.
- We did our RACK for December 1st ( Random Act of Christmas Kindness) in memory of you! 
- And I made special memories with your brother and a $.99 ball
-We lived.

I love you son! We are one month closer to you. ❤️ #MissYouE