Fifth First

Ezra boy. We miss you so much. Five months ago you left us. Five months. You have already been gone a third of the time you were here on Earth. A third. I have no idea how that is possible. It seems you were the wild card in the family. You are the one that moved us into a bigger vehicle (we fit in a sedan now...sadly). You were the one that was not yet talking and just kind of grunted and pointed when you expressed yourself (making an interesting game of charades for the rest of us). You are the one we had to close all the doors in the house for (so you wouldn't bathe in the toilet water or empty your drawers in 5 seconds). You are the one that we swept daily for (so you wouldn't eat food off the ground). You were so central to our world.. All of our worlds . We each had such a sweet, special, relationship with you. Now we each have a unique hole, unique memories, and a unique way of grieving you. I miss you baby boy more than I could ever put into words. Some days the longing for you is so deep...so so deep. You forever changed us E. We love deeper because of you. We think eternally because of you. Our hurt is great, but that is because we love you so much. I am ok with that. I love you baby boy. Miss you like crazy.
Thank you friends for loving us. For being willing to have awkward conversations, deep conversations, or just letting us talk about Ezra. We thank God for you every time we think of you. I wanted to let you read a writing from Jake. It is so amazing…. It needs to be shared. It is a hope filled message written right after E died. 
❤️

From life to Life to LIFE

❤️

HEB=Confusion=LIfe

HEB is a place I frequent. San Antonio is HEB mecca. We live ½ a mile away from our HEB. Not only do I know where everything is located, my kids do too. It had been over 2 weeks since I had been to HEB w/our Colorado trip and mandatory ‘eat the food we have in the fridge’ beforehand. I walked in pretty much on auto pilot. Headed for the paper plates...priorities. It wasn’t until I got to the egg/milk/juice/yogurt area that I really honed in to the fact that things were significantly different. I didn’t think that much of it because all the same foods were in the general area they were before. Just a tiny bit of backtracking and an extra lap around that area and I was on my way. Still in my own little world, I headed to the produce area. Besides moving where the apples were...again..everything was great. So I headed down the first aisle (to be candid we had only bottled water and condiments in our refrigerator) and stopped in the middle. Just stopped. Instead of finding ketchup, I found bread. Bread. Bread belongs in the middle of the store. I really did stand there and look around trying to recalibrate my brain. What I was seeing and what I knew to be true were NOT lining up. That was just the beginning of the confusion. Aisle after aisle I stopped in the middle and just looked around looking for “my” things. Things that have been in that spot for over 9 nine years…. gone. I ended up walking down EVERY aisle(some multiple times) so I didn’t miss key ingredients to the meal. I was so flustered. The trip took me triple the time it usually does. Walking through HEB that day was confusing. Walking through HEB that day was unsettling. It was no longer carefree..it was labored..and burdensome...heavy and almost frustrating. How similar the reconfiguration of our HEB is to our current life. Don’t get me wrong, rearranging is great. We had a forced redesign. We had a tragedy. Things that we KNEW to be true look different. The Smith’s are still the same “HEB”. We still have the same “ingredients” in our lives (minus E baby) But, everything is different. Things that were given a center aisle are not anymore. Some things that were in the back corner of our store, are now in a prominent display. Some items that were center stage for us are brought even closer to the front.
I can no longer make a list in the order of the store and dart in, shop and go. I no longer know where everything is. This so relates to our life right now. EVERYTHING was shaken up. EVERYTHING. You really have to reevaluate every single thing. And there are not a lot of clear answers….or really any answers at all. I don’t claim to know it all, but I have come to these three things I know are truth.
1. God Loves me.
2. Jesus died (and rose) for me. 
3. God is good.
I can count on these three things when nothing else is clear. And somehow that is enough right now. 
I guess number 4 would be that Heaven is real and my baby boy is there right now!
So I know 4 things. Not much. But enough for now. ‪#‎MissyouE‬
Lyrics to Steady….a song that has become a theme song of sorts for me right now.
You’re my true north when I’m headed south
My constant solid ground
You are my lantern in the night
When I’m twisted up and shaken
You’re the one I put my faith in
Yeah, you’re the reason I survive
[Chorus:]
You keep me steady when the sky is falling
And I’ll keep steady after You
I’ll carry on when my strength is failing
Take heart ‘cause You’re with me
So let the stars drop, whatever comes
I’ll be ready, You keep me steady
You keep me steady
You’re a river, You cover me
When the bombs fall, You’re the cavalry
Somehow You’re always standing right by my side
So no matter what I will be facing
I will not be overtaken
And You are the only reason why
[Chorus]
You’re my hiding place, my home
And fear cannot invade these four walls
I need You near, I need You here

Four Months in

The first of the month used to be my favorite time of the month...it’s payday, it’s new, it’s exciting, it’s a clean slate. Now I feel my body start dreading the first of the month a week before it happens. There is a foreboding feeling. There is anxiety. There are flashbacks. And there is the unrelenting reminder that though ALL your stuff is still here, you are not. Today I didn’t want to get up at all. I just wanted to stay in bed and not feel all the feelings that come with days like this. But that is not how this works. There are other people who need me, and like you DEMAND to eat. So we take another step through the pain. We haven’t moved anything of yours. Your toys are still in the living room. Your clothes are all still in the closet and the dresser. Your high chair sits on top of the table. Your suitcase from Abilene sits in the corner of the room and is still packed. All the sites of you...just not you. (This is probably weird but I don’t care) I spent every waking hour with you your whole life (or really close to it). I knew all your little nuances. Thankfully, I watched all your milestones happen. So I find myself just thinking constantly about you. What you are doing? What new things you have learned? Who are you with? What do you remember about us? Do you know how much we love you? Do you see how much we miss you?
I am counting on the fact that you do. Four months in Heaven Ezra. How much fun are you having? Daddy and I were talking about the fact that you have probably already met the biblical characters you are named after...and WHOA are we jealous! Maybe they videotape those kind of things so that I can watch all your firsts in Heaven when I get there? Little boy we love you so so much and long for the day we see your face again!#MissyouE

Thank you friends for loving us through this. Thank you for praying for us. Thank you for letting us cry..and you crying too. Thank you for saying his name out loud. Thank you for starting awkward conversations because you care. Thank you for coming alongside us in the muck to make sure we don’t stay there. And thank you for all the grace you show us.

Grief pictures:
-Your four year old puts his hands on your cheeks, looks you in the eyes, and asks, “Why did you let my brother die Mommy?”
-You and your husband quietly crying yourselves to sleep together after looking at pictures because neither of us have any words.
-Your son has taken to playing with the baby toys because he misses E so bad.
-Husband apologizing by text that he left the death certificate on the kitchen table when he left because he knows that for some reason seeing my baby’s name on paperwork sends me to a shaky place.
-Your daughter going to sleep in your bed every night because it “feels better”.
-Your daughter coming out in the middle of the night bawling about how unfair it is and how, “it was getting to the really fun part with Ezra!” (basically meaning fun to take places, fun to play with, fun to watch)
-Watching your son invite himself to play with any little boy around E’s age because he misses him so bad.
-As we were praying for our new babies (that we want to have) each of them put in a caveat for them to be healthy and to LIVE a long time.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

I hope to leave you with one of my favorite songs. I LOVE all the lyrics, but especially the very end.

Don’t look to the right or to the left, just keep your eyes on me.
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved.
I am the hand to hold, I am the truth. I am the way.
Just come to me, come to me, cause I’m all that you need.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY0Vz8fvIhE

3 months. 92 days. ¼ of a year

3 months. 92 days. ¼ of a year...25% of a year we have been living without you here. I really don’t have an idea how that is possible. I don’t know how we continue on but for the grace of God. I asked your siblings what they missed most about you...Hannah said your smile! Sadie said your noise and chasing you. Israel said playing baseball with you. Narrowing down what I miss is almost impossible. I miss everything. Even the things I didn’t enjoy when you were here, I now yearn to do. Holding you and singing to/with you wins out as what I miss the most, and what I long for the most. Yesterday we went to Sea World for the first time since you died. Everywhere we walked was a memory of the last time we went with you. :)You were so content to ride along in your stroller and just be in the middle of everything (and food of course. Always food!). The memories were coming fast and hard. I think God knew what we could handle. He opened the heavens. As the rain poured down, we made new memories. We darted through the rain...laughing and darting to shelter. We discussed whether or not you would have enjoyed the rain. (the consensus was YES! You would have loved it!) We didn’t even get to go to the kiddie rides because they were shut down...and that’s ok. We did things that were new. For that I am thankful. Your face on the carousel in February I don’t want to forget. Sheer joy. Joy is what you brought to us. Though a lot of times it was circus-like at our home, we LOVED it. We miss it. We miss you. We all do. Light up Heaven little one! ‪#‎MissyouE‬

My sweet friend reminded me the other day that no matter how things look now. Romans 8:28 is still true. “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” So it doesn’t look anything close to good right now, but we continue to be faithful and trust that on the other side it will be real good. Thank you friend for speaking life.






Random Nuggets: (if you are still reading this you are either a glutton for punishment or amazing. The jury is still out.)

1. I miss being blissfully unaware of a thing called SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood - SUDC Foundation). The thought that every other day the same thing happens to another family breaks my heart. Praying for a cure, a cause, something. So that no one else loses their healthy babies!

2. Four year olds say all the things, all the time, in public. It might just be a casual “my brother died” or he might correct some unsuspecting stranger “that he was a big brother but his baby died” or that the “fastest way to get to heaven is to take a nap” This is how it is. So know that if you choose to spend time with us. :)

3. Waterproof eyeliner and waterproof mascara are your best friend. (probably will be for years.)

4. Sharing stories, memories, pictures or just letting us know you are thinking of Ezra WILL make us cry, but we will LOVE YOU MORE for it.

Two months you have been gone.

E baby. Two months you have been gone. TWO MONTHS. We can no longer trick ourselves into believing you are on a trip and will be back soon. You are on a trip but 60 years is a LONG time to wait to hug your neck. Really, really long. Pretty much everything and everyone reminds me of you. Friday I found one of your socks in the laundry. Really? We have emptied the laundry SO many times in the last few months and still your laundry is still coming. You were pretty central to how our family functioned (and you always did have the MOST laundry) Your needs were put first. That’s just what you do with a baby. You changed all of us forever. You taught Izzy to share and what it looks like to look out for someone. You taught Sadie how to be a little Mama (she so adored ALL the things baby) You taught Hannah to be selfless and increased responsibility (hard lessons but will serve her well forever). You taught Daddy & I how much our heart could expand and love more. And how to juggle...lots of juggling. You taught me how to persevere. How staying the course and not quitting are so important. So now we have to use all of these lessons going forward. Oh how we wish it was with you.
By now I’m sure you have seen YaiYa and been kissed by her (let’s be honest...she’s probably kissed you a million times already) Get used to it buddy. :) At her funeral yesterday, all I could think of was you. We sang an old song “This World Is Not My Home” and this is where I am. Ready to see your face...so hope you are still waddle-running when I get there...it’s my favorite! You are my “treasure”...Miss you SO much E. Love you most.

This world is not my home I'm just passing through
my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore

Not that you care Ezra, but we received the final autopsy findings this week. You are really a “unexplained death”. You really did go to sleep in your nap and wake up to Jesus. While there aren’t really any questions answered here, it is good to know. Dance with Jesus baby..we miss you.

1.5 Months

Six weeks my boy. I miss your smell. I miss drool. I miss your “talking” that was more like yelling. I miss holding you. I miss the way your eyes smiled. Basically, I miss everything. Every. Single. Thing. My hands feel so empty and there is so much time that I am not needed. I have resorted to putting my hands in my pockets, because I literally do not know what to do with them. Sometimes it seems like I imaged the last two years of my life. Like they have been erased. Like they were not even real. Thankful to have thousands of pictures to tell the truth. Love you forever and ever E.

So thankful for Jesus. So thankful for Heaven. So thankful I will see you again. #missyouE

One month.....One Lifetime

I have no idea how it has been one month, but the calendar does not lie. The mind plays tricks on me, thinking you are going to wake up from your nap any minute. The silence is deafening. I am not sure how someone so little can leave such a gigantic void in our family. You, my boy, are sorely missed and greatly loved. The sucky reality is that life is easier without you. It is NOT better...so NOT better...but it is easier. Today we went to visit your grave and we all just walked out of the house. We didn’t change a diaper. We didn’t fill a diaper bag. We didn’t make sure we had pacifiers. We didn’t bring toys. We didn’t bring a change a clothes. We didn’t calculate when we would leave based on naps. We didn’t calculate when we would leave based on meals. We just walked out of the door. That feels wrong..so so wrong. But I am also thankful..

I am thankful we made it through the bleeding when I was pregnant and you were born perfectly healthy.
I am thankful that after mastitis, I was able to nurse you.
I am thankful that I took the time to pump six times a day for 11 months.
I am thankful that a few months ago you started demanding that I hold you and sing to you before bed each night.
I am thankful that I did that.
I am thankful that you freely gave kisses, drool, and “gave hugs” to your family.
I am thankful that you embraced chaos and activity and seemed kinda “bored” when the big kids were on an outing.
I am thankful for all the ways you changed our family.
I am thankful that you adored me...and I you. (Daddy even more but he’s not writing this)
I am thankful that I rocked and sang to you before your last nap.
I am thankful for 467 days of loving you.
I am thankful for Jesus, for His promises, and for a way to see you again.
I am thankful for these knots in my stomach every time I have to do something new without you. It reminds me of how much I love you. How very much.
I am thankful for technology that I can pull up a video/picture of you any moment, of any day.
I am thankful for friends, family, and strangers who pray for us so that we can breathe, one breath at a time.
#1monthinheaven #missyouE